The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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238: Turd Locker III: The Phantom Pooper

February 10, 2019 at 3:00PM • 1 hour 12 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about a super fun depression question, Dr. RUDE, and an evolving shitty mystery with special guest Sarah Klegman!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Story Time: Sarah doesn't get "Me-too'd" at a New Years party.

Special guests: Sarah Klegman 


Mattheyós: "For the record I listen to 171 podcasts."

Max: "hey y'all,

sorry for this long message, i'll just get into it: ive been having depressive episodes for maybe 8 years now and have been in therapy and am now on medication. one year ago i got my first adult full-time job in a theater and i was happy that i got the job but i wasn't sure if i could handle it. i thought about it for a long time (the application process was like 3 months) but finally thought that maybe a job i really like in a steady environment would be good for me. turns out i am really shit at having a job with set meetings and being there every fucking day. i still like the job but with my latest episode of depression that started about 2 or 3 months ago i rarely go, i obsess over small mistakes i made for weeks, i miss out on cool projects because i sometimes physically can't go to work somehow. i've talked with my psychiatrist and switched from venlafaxin to zoloft last week. it will take some time to start working and i'm on a 2 weeks paid sick leave.

now I'm thinking about maybe quitting, especially since i feel my close coworkers have to pick up all the work i miss, all the things i said i would do that i couldn't even start and all that. also I'm not sure whether there is a possibility for me to function in a office environment daily job since i can't really sleep before 4 am and when there is any pressure to wake up i just spend the night agonising, oversleep or don't sleep at all.

on the other hand i don't have a plan of what to do with my life afterwards and i can't stop thinking about how my mom, who knows what unemployment is like, will worry a lot about me. i know these things can be overcome but i don't really see how. do you maybe have a special trick or something? or do you think the crushing doom of late stage capitalism will affect most of our generation and we just have to deal with it?

happy times, aloha to all of you
max (25/m/bi)"

Whatever: "Hi.

I work in the emergency department of a hospital in a big city. What I do is not immediately intuitive if you're not familiar with the Canadian healthcare system so let me quickly provide some context. Since healthcare is free in Canada, many people will come in to emergency with minor complaints as a result increasing the load on doctors in the emergency department. When there are too many patients and not enough doctors, the wait time for people to see a doctor gets extremely long, sometimes up to 6 hours in an understaffed hospital with slow doctors. Here's where I come in. My position at the hospital I work at (an extremely uncommon position that only exists at the hospital I work at) is to work directly with a doctor on shift to increase their efficiency and expedite the turnover between seeing patients. Basically I'm like a doctors assistant. I keep track of patients, move them throughout the department, fill out paper work, set up procedures, gather results, and occasionally help out with procedures so the doctors and nurses have more time to see more patients. Every shift I work with a different doctor. Here's the problem. One of the doctors I work with sometimes gets very stressed out and flustered by patients who are aggressive/rude/simply don't listen and takes it out on us. He ends up yelling at us to do things that are unreasonable, or tells us to hurry up because he's annoyed (not at us though). Basically he just becomes a dick when he's pissed off and often recognizes he's taking his frustrations out on us, then flips 180 and is overly nice for a while before returning to his baseline. He's the only doctors like this, and the rest of my team all hate working with him. My question is: how can I tell him when he's being a dick to calm down/relax, or stop asking for unreasonable/unrealistic things without putting myself in a worse position?"

Claire: "aloha again! this is Claire who wrote in about that girl Jenny Smeales who shit in my high school locker, except it turns out she didnt actually. i went and did what richard/lindsay said and sent her the photo (over email cuz where do you even get stamps? jk). she replied like asap. also she listens to the podcast too! ill get to that tho. anyways Jenny was not all Smeales. she was sure about not shitting in my locker. she said her boyfriend (Kelly) told her to pretend to shit in the locker so he could put it on a valentines card and give it to me as a prank. haha. so funny. but she says she didnt even want to and thats why she had a “dumb face.” she did not like that i said that and i get it but come on you still put your ass in my locker for some dumb boy, i mean Kelly was such a tool. anyways Jenny said Kelly took the photo and then next week there was actual shit in my locker. she sent me the photo to prove it and the metadata was what she said. the creation and last modified date were the same so i don’t think it got tampered with. plus Jenny was never a nerd at all so i believe her that she didnt shit in my locker. but then who did? she said she thought it was Kelly too but Kelly was in Idaho for his grandparents vow renewal the day before but had to stay for the funeral because his grandpa died cuz the caterer served shellfish or something. i dunno she was talking a lot when we talked on the phone and i dont know if i spaced. Jenny says only two people knew about the photo besidse her and Kelly and that’s Marcus and Lucy. i think the shit was too small for Marcus. he brought a steak for lunch every day. he was fat in freshman year but he went on the atkins diet and that shit worked. you dont eat steak every day and take a shit that looks like it came out of a pekanese. i dont mean this in a racist way but Lucy was chinese and she was in ballet with Jenny so they were friends. Jenny described Lucys shit to me cuz she didnt flush sometimes (ballet was intense). the shit sounded just like the shit in my locker. we both think it has to be Lucy. well good news bad news: Lucy moved to boston for a finance gig last year but she gets back home for christmas and Jenny and the other girls in the ballet click get together on christmas eve for a scented soap exchange party. how fun. but Jenny’s gonna find out about it cuz she’s scared about the photo and we both want to know who it came from. Jenny doesnt talk to Kelly anymore and maybe nobody does cuz he went to prison a couple of years ago. it wasnt rape if thats what youre thinking (thats what i was thinking) but in a way kinda. he had a dui except he was getting head during it and the girls head got hit by the airbag and she choked on his dick. like maybe thats not medically what happened but she was dead with his dick in her mouth so its just easier to say that. also she was a prostitute but apparently they were just dating. he only got five years cuz she was a prostitute. or at least thats what people say. listen if you grew up in long island this wouldnt be that weird to you. maybe you did for all i know but i just feel like i gotta tell people that all the time. anyways i called his prison and left a message. its been two days so maybe hes gonna call back maybe not. anyways i will text you again if theres more news. also i forgot but Jenny texted you too i think when she heard the episode.

aloha and happy new year! you didn't read my response. :( but i got more news. Jenny confronted Lucy at the soap exchange but it wasn't her who shit in my locker. she apologized a lot but she said she didn't send it to me and its bad news sorta. basically she got super drunk at a party in college and showed everybody so it could be in the hands of anybody at that party. i was gonna give up but three days after i got another pic sent to my email anonymously. it was another photo of Jenny fake-pooping in my locker but wider so there was more people in it. Kelly was there but Lucy wasn't but Jimmy and Suvarna was so maybe it has to do with one of them? nobody that i know knows where Jimmy is these days. he took a gap year to bike across north America but he got to Mexico and nobody seems to know where he went after that. should i call his family? his mom was nice to me once. i called Survarna but she hasn't called me back yet. anyways what should i do now? this is creepy."

Jenny Smeales: "Dear Awkward Human Podcast,

I have listened to your show since 2016 and was surprised to hear my name butchered on your show last episode. It's pronounced "Smiles," thank you very much. I will handle Claire myself, but I wanted to let you know I most certainly did not defecate in her locker when I was a teenager. My boyfriend wanted to play a stupid prank and I reluctantly agreed but this prank was only a photo and involved no feces in any form. If Claire had not chosen to utilize my full, real name I would not have felt so inclined to defend it. When someone supplies full names, next time you should not read them on air.

Jenny Smeales"