The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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233: Too Much Anal!

January 7, 2019 at 12:00PM • 55 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about porcelain play, the national average for anal, and shit-proofing the office with special guest Caitlin Curl!

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Awkward Story Time: Surprise!

Special guests: Caitlin Curl 


Edward F.: "Dear Awkward Humans,

I love a good shit. I love it so much that I thought I was gay for a spell and have given pegging a good thought, but that's not why I write you. You see I have a very small office space I cohabit with a fiendishly large woman pushing 50 whom you may call Florence. The bathroom is poorly placed between us and you can hear it all. Her anus sounds like a smooth and powerful tuba. If it weren't for the shit I'd suggest she join the philharmonic. The notes played by her shit tuba are uninspired, however, but such things are beyond human control.

The smell has driven me to shit at home where I can properly enjoy myself, but one can't always choose and such was the case last week. After far too much coffee and steak I found myself in the office bathroom trumpeting a medley of pongy diarrhea. My dear Florence notices, of course, and proceeds to discuss it with me, through the door, as I wash myself and as if her anal tuba operates at the volume of a church mouse. After some discussion in our primary office space, away from the door, we reach the conclusion that something must be done.

Dampening the walls with blankets helped very little. Furthermore, the blankets retained the smell of shit so we donated them. That required a bit of discussion for they procured at a bargain shop and they were all printed with images of the Jonas brothers. This was, to my surprise, the more troubling aspect of the transaction for the recipient as he was concerned no self-respecting vagrant would sleep in such a silly thing. It seems the scent did not bother him at all, though if he's familiar with their music I can only imagine it seemed appropriate. After the blankets we attempted music but the brown notes won out rather significantly. I asked Florence if she might shit at home and, as it is, she already does twice before departing. (To satisfy your curiosity, the shits occur once after breakfast and once prior.) Furthermore, earplugs are insufficient as well.

We will not find such affordable space elsewhere and that makes moving out of the question. Instead I turn to you, Awkward Humans, with hope that you may have a solution. After all, you enjoy talking about shit as much as I enjoy producing it.

Be well,

Anonymous: "Quick q: how much anal is too much for your butthole? I get sore after 3. What's the national average?"

Dave: "sooooooooooooo

I experienced a fetish that was new to me and I hope I’ll be poppin your cherry too. I met this guy on okcupid. We are both very charming so it was an instant match but of course he likes this “porcelain play” thing. I agreed to it if he’d let me piss in his mouth so it was a date.

Let me describe this so you got a clear picture. Porcelain play means he wants to be like a fragile doll that gets all fucked up when it gets fucked. He’s fit as fuck so I was like fuck it. I pissed in his mouth and all over his ass to get it wet and was like so how’s this doll shit work? He’s got these army vests with glass inside that he wears during sex and a fanny pack with some lightbulbs inside. Dude’s got sick abs and the whole package is tight so his gear is hiding all the good stuff so we do it doggy so I can watch my dick go in at least. Can’t go wrong with that can ya? Like two minutes in I thrust him hard and one of the light bulbs pops. He cums instantly. I stop because it was so loud I got scared for a sec but he’s like no you gotta cum on me. So I fuck him to the sounds of broken glass rubbing around then pull out and drop some yogurt on his backside.

He had a grand ole time. It was okay. I’d do it again just not 100% forever you know? I like this dude but do you think it’s gonna work or what?"