The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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220: Old Car Jizz

August 5, 2018 at 2:00PM • 1 hour 12 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about leaky penises, a musty puss, strangers in the absence of benefits, and organically-scented resumes with special guest Darren Herczeg!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Story Time: A coworker comments on Richard's dietary restrictions. Darren overpays with his own frustration for free concert tickets.

Special guests: Darren Herczeg 


Brett or Dick Pic Dan: "Hey guys! Long time no talk. Well, maybe with the exception of Richard. But it's mainly just been me sending him more unsolicited dick pics...

Is it weird I think of Adam everytime I pee because we share the whole it-leaks-after-we-finish-because-of-a-supposedly-long-urethra-or-something thing? I legit picture Adam's face and voice as I'm shaking off. I sometimes turn down getting a blowjob because I don't want it to be nasty. One time, though, the husband started sucking my dick a little after I peed. He stopped about a minute in and asked "why is it salty?" *facepalm*

So just know that I think of you when I shake my penis, Adam."

Dallas: "i had a fwb who wont hang with me after i told him this guy was courting me and i thought this was okay bc we just fucked but thats it. he didnt want any romance shit so its not like he was pinin on me or whatevs. im not even fuckin this other dude yet. like wtf?"

Calvin: "I have an ordinarily good boss (Victor) who's tough but fair. Can't complain-until now. I work at a shirt designer that prints trendy catch phrases with "fun" fonts. I'm a writer there. By the way this actually matters. Business is good and the company's growing. We hired a new writer last week with one more slot open still. We interviewed this guy Elliot who was a badass. I think this guy was better than me at this TBH. Everybody loves him and the only thing that comes up from us writers was that Sara thought one of his sample ideas that we ask candidates to bring was a little sexist. But even she was the first to admit that we print those sometimes and it was about some shit Trump said so everyone gave Elliot a pass-except Victor. Victor let us all talk about the guy for 20 minutes and change like he usually does before acting like "dad" and summarizing our opinions before giving his. Except instead he passed around the copy of Elliot's resume that he brought in and asked all of us to smell it. There was no denying it smelled like cum. We all knew it right away. I don't know if Elliot accidentally jizzed on the resume the night before and it dried up or some old jizz from the car got on it. Like we're never going to know what happened but Victor just shut it down. He won't hire the guy because it's unprofessional. This is unfair right? One of us could've rubbed one out in the bathroom earlier and got some leftover jizz on it for all anyone knows. You think that guy is going to admit it now? He'd get fired! Maybe Elliot would replace him but then we've still got a position to fill. HR doesn't give a shit about this (just thinks its funny) so you got any ideas how to get this guy on our team? I think talking to my boss will get me in trouble with Victor and Victor's a cool guy most of the time. I don't want to fuck things up at work but damn it if this is not an injustice."

Marina: "Aloha coworkers! I bring a question for Erica today (unless you also have another girl guest). My boyfriend won't go down on me but before you get mad at him don't because I have a smelly pussy. It's no dead rats nest though it does smell old or musty. Also a hit of sour fruit. Last guy I dated got off on it so we both got off. I like the new boyfriend better but miss the cunnilingus. My gyno didn't smell it. She thinks it's hypochondria and I may have had a couple incidents to make her think that. My boyfriend smells it too though. I wash! The boy still smells it in the shower. I'll make an appointment with another gyno for a 2nd opinion but you got any ideas for now??? Thanks"