The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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219: The Oclophobia Boat

August 2, 2018 at 2:15PM • 56 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about the oclophobia boat, penis envy goals, and toilet vagina with special guest Stewart Wade!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Story Time: Stewart encounters an awkward actor when casting his web series.

Special guests: Stewart Wade 


Timothy: "Hey there awkward humans,

My name’s Timothy and I’m afraid of cruise ships and my fiancee won a cruise vacation on a public access game show. She (Gretta) knows about my phobias and decided straightaway that I don’t have to join her. Phew! Or so I thought. Gretta is now saying that she will bring along her second best friend Michael. Michael flirts with her all of the time. Michael is mostly gay therefore I have not gotten jealous but he will play for the other team when drunk. Gretta has short hair like Ellen just not like a lesbian. If I were drunk I might think she looks like an adult boy from behind.

All in all I need your help so I can overcome my fear of cruise ships and not risk a drunk mishap between my fiancee and her mostly-gay runner-up best friend. For the details: I am afraid of cruise ships because of sea sickness and crowd entrapment, not sinking like the titanic. I would have the same fear in a floating mall or a refugee boat prior to the holocaust. I would not have survived the holocaust. Even though my nickname is Tiny Tim (not because of my penis) I am Jewish. Please don’t be offended. That’s just a holocaust joke I like to make about my troubles. Can you help me? I am seeing a psychiatrist but it will take a year she says. I need results in a month. All creative ideas are welcome.

Finest regards,

Anonymous: "hey

a shortie for ya: do girls get penis envy? my girl is always on about havin a dick, wants to know what its like etc. is there pegging in my future or what? just gotta know if i got a problem."

Jasmine: "I love my boyfriend. All is well except he says “careful, careful,” when he’s putting his penis in me like it’s a grand piano getting lowered into 21st floor penthouse. I want to laugh but it kills the mood. He knows and we talk about it but it’s a compulsion for him. His first time he put in too fast and ejaculated into her. The girl told everyone in their class so he got made fun of a lot until he could go away for college. I made a list of new words to say but he tried and it looked like he was having a stroke and then said “careful, careful” and I just waited for his penis to slowly make its way inside of me. You become very body conscious in a moment like that, okay? I have thought of everything while it happens. The worst is when I think of a poop sliding out of a butthole. That’s what it’s like but in reverse. I imagine his penis is a poop sliding into my vagina. It’s slow and then plop. My vagina is not a toilet but he fucks it like one. I know better but come on. He’s seeing a therapist but what about me for the meantime?"