The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

If you love the show, please help us keep making them! (This does not require a financial contribution.)


Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

← Previous Episode   |   Next Episode →

218: No Sheep in My Butt!

July 24, 2018 at 12:00PM • 1 hour 5 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about awkward shorties, motivation's origin, and genital upkeep with special guest Darren Herczeg!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

This awkward week we're talking about update from geoff, awkward shorties, motivation's origin, and genital upkeep with special guest Darren Herczeg!

Awkward Story Time: Erica returns to work after a family vacation in Montana only to find her work desk commandeered by an army of ants.

Special guests: Darren Herczeg 


Geoff (pron. G-off): "Hello. I am checking in as a listener, as requested in episode #212.

I have been listening since episode 1, back when I was closeted, in high school, and my parents were married.

Since then I my parents are now divorced, I work for a law firm, and I’ve fallen in love with many straight men.

I have no awkward stories/problems to report.

Darren’s outfit in the episode (212) is stunning.

Thank you"

Diarrhea Girl: "Hi so this isn't awkward per se but it is for me. I need help motivating myself to do things. I procrastinate at work and my boss is getting mad cause I don't finish on time almost every day so I gotta stay at the office late or disappoint her. I think its your guys's faults for making my excuses weird and that is why it is awkward for me. My boss thinks I have chronic diarrhea now. I got hot sauce on my jeans one time but I didn't notice even though it was a lot so I told her it was period blood and that sometimes I can't control it. I think she thinks I'm really gross now but I got to go home at 2pm that day. I do like my job but I'm too slow because I just think I can't do it a lot. I don't get explanations. It's like just do this and there are bullet points on a to-do list app that goes to our computers and our phones if we want. I can't get more information from them and now nobody wants to go near me because of the gross excuses. Like they pretend they don't know but I see it in their eyes when they look at me. I see them try to sniff without me seeing when I am near so they can avoid the diarrhea. I got myself into this mess obviously but can you help me out please?"

Tanner: "Hey you guys and Erica, my name's Tanner and my little sis is Marissa. I'm 24 and she's 18 and some change. I'm tall at 6'3" and she's short at 5'2". She looks like a midget next to me so I used to tease her about it. She got the nickname "Midge" from me but it stuck after I was too old to give a shit about sibling rivalry or whatnot. Anywho, she acts awkwardly around me when we stand next to each other. Like in family photos or in a line for dinner. If I get close to her she looks like I smell or something. I think its about the height thing. Everyone who meets us is always noticing how tall I am and when they find out Marissa is my sister they're all like 'you didn't get the good genes, eh?' She just just let it roll off but Marissa is very sensitive. She is also very proud because I wanted to know if it bothered her and she said no. I think it is the height thing though anyway. What do you think? I feel responsible because I teased her and she's kind of fat which makes it worse for her self-esteem."

Gari: "Aloha coworkers! Long story short my boyfriend moisturizes his cock and the results are spectacular. I'm 24 and always liked my men aged about a decade so I know what a penis looks like in its 30s. My boyfriend has the mighty fine cock of a post-pubescent teenager. I don't like em young but I can appreciate the benefits of youth. I thought it his cock moisturizing process was masturbation until I found out it wasn't and then I thought he was embarrassed to tell me about the masturbation until I thought about his cock and how it looks like the cocks in 3D cartoon porn. The problem is that his moist penis retains the oils from the lotion and we have a lot of condoms break on us. We're only 4 months in and I think I love him however he has a high sex drive. He's also cheated before. We're honest about that stuff and I don't get all hung up on sex mistakes however I don't feel like I should ditch the condoms already y'know? We have talked about this situation and he just wants to not do condoms but respects my choice because I'm the bottom in the relationship. If the condoms break it's like the worst of both world you know? He has allergies to alternative condoms and I'm a vegan so no sheep in my butt. What else can I do? Okay thx bye."