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The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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216: Tickle Her Elmo

June 11, 2018 at 4:00PM • 1 hour 1 minute • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about mothers and muppets, cum shakes, and a controversial secret with special guests Lindsay Bring and John Bring! Note: this episode is a continuation (part two) of episode 215, so make sure you listen to that one first or you might be a little confused!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Special guests: John Bring Lindsay Bring 


Jeremy: "To: The Awkward Human Survival Guide Podcast

I'm Jeremy (28/straight/male), my fiancee is Rachel and we are on course for marriage in September. Rachel is an amazing woman. She runs a shop out of our home that she made so popular that I could quit my job and help her with the shipments. She's beautiful, kind and is always thinking of me. I try to be just as good for her. After seven years I can't wait to marry the love of my life.

But I have a secret that's eating me up inside and I don't know what to do. It's that when I was 16 I accidentally got my cousin pregnant and I thought the abortion was mutual but now I don't know what to believe. Like I never thought I was going to fuck my cousin in the first place because she was 14. It happed though and its been haunting me since.

What happened is we would play a lot from when we were kids because her family lived around the corner from my street. Her mom was very social and physically so and my cousin picked that up. It was just playful when we were kids but when puberty came along we were both mad horny that all the playful and harmless touching led to one thing and then another. I just remember feeling my heartbeat when just playing felt like attraction for the first time and I saw it in here too. Then it's like seconds later I'm orgasming in her and I look down and it's my cousin. It was like love and horror at the same time. Like dang that was phenomenal but also what the heck did I just do?

Me and my cousin still talked after that and she wanted to keep fucking but I got scared so I kept saying no. But she got mad one time and I let her blow me because I was afraid she'd tell our parents or something and because I was older and the boy I'd get in trouble. Like I know now she wouldn't have done that but back then I was just scared. That all ended when she found out she was pregnant and thought she should get an abortion. I said that was fine with me if she was sure and she was like I'm not even 15 I'm not going to be a mom. I drove her to a clinic that was hours away because we grew up in a rural area of a southern state and there aren't a lot of places to get an abortion in farm country. Thanks goodness for the world wide web though.

I definitely thought about this for a lot of years afterwards but it was like if a reference to incest was on TV or I just thought of it in the shower. When I met Rachel it all sort of faded out of my mind more and if I did think about what I did with my cousin it didn't bother me. I thought I was in the clear and I asked Rachel to marry me. She's been my fiancee for over a year now because our parents can't pay for the wedding like at all and Rachel's business was booming. We waited to transition me into helping so she could take in more sales without getting buried in work that nobody could do alone.
She had a helper already but she's this little filipino woman who doesn't talk and just packs boxes and takes them to the post office for $25 a day.

I didn't think about my cousin so much until the wedding started to become the real deal. Now it's like I'm going into my marriage with a gigantic secret and I feel like I've got to tell her. Is that a bad idea? I know how its selfish to tell a person a secret that will hurt them just so you feel better about not hiding it. Is that the same thing here? This was 12 years ago so I didn't cheat obviously but what I did do is not moral I guess and I don't want her to think that's who I am. I am not the 16 year old boy who touched his cousin's breast by accident and got possessed by lust.

The other thing is my cousin has been saying when we call each other sometimes to catch up that she might regret the abortion. She hasn't dated too much since the abortion. She gets with guys for one nighters or breaks up with them after a week because they're not good enough for her. I just don't know what this is a thing again all of the sudden. She always tells me she doesn't even want kids. I'm just getting scared again that she might tell my fiancee if I say the wrong thing. I think I'm just paranoid but shouldn't I get out in front of this so Rachel doesn't get hurt if she finds out from my cousin or someone else who isn't me?

I don't know what to think to be honest. I want to tell Rachel everything and for her to tell me it's okay and she forgives me. Also I don't want to lose her. I don't know what will happen if I tell her or if she found out from someone else. She doesn't judge people and forgives a lot. We have been in arguments though and her emotions are very powerful then. It's like arguing with a monsoon where her feelings are pouring on you and you get so soaked in them that you can't feel your own feelings anymore. It's good though because I can understand why she gets upset, I just have to try and remember why I was upset more.

Anyways I think I'm rambling on now and I guess that's it. Do you think I should tell Rachel the truth or keep this a secret forever more?"

Brenda: "Dear Awkward Humans,

I wonder if you can explain my daughter's behavior because I know nothing of this new age crud. One morning she came to breakfast bright and early for the first time since puberty struck. I had to ask, "what has you so bright eyed and bushy tailed, my darling?" My lovely daughter explained she had experienced a lucid dream for the first time and this means she could be awake inside of the dream.

I assumed this was a harmless delusion and pressed her on the details for fun. She didn't want to tell me but I after several promises were made to listen judgment-free I discovered she experienced a sex dream with a muppet. She said he looked like Elmo but sounded like Barry White. (No, she doesn't know who Barry White is because the girl is 12 years old but she has a way with impressions even if she doesn't know what they are.) I told her that's an awfully silly dream and she didn't need to worry about it. She just gave me that tween "okay" with a shrug that could mean anything and went off to school.

Over the past few weeks I've heard moaning in the bedroom. Against my husband's wishes I gathered the courage to peak inside her room late at night. I have confirmed she is neither awake or masturbating, which can only mean she has taken to "lucid dreaming" a sexual relationship with Elmo's soulful cousin. As a mother, this leaves me at a crossroads. Do I allow my daughter's sexual fetish to remain unchecked or do I step in and have a conversation with her before the issue gets out of hand? I don't know a thing about being gay but you kids do and I would ever so much appreciate it if you could help a mother out.

I'm not a dolt who can't see the difference between gays and whatever my daughter might be, but find me a better comparison if you can. I am at a loss for what this means for my kid if it means anything at all. They tell you parenting is full of surprises and to expect the unexpected, but I don't think this is what all those moms and dads meant when they said that. If a seasoned parent saw me with child, gave me that advice, and I replied "like my baby girl lucid dreaming an affair with a hairy, red monster?" I do not believe for a minute that they would reply "yes, that's exactly what I meant." My husband feels I am overreacting. I don't want to be that mom. If I'm going to be that mom by talking to my daughter about intercourse with a muppet then I will sit this one out. My interest is her best interest, however, and I don't want my little girl meeting her first boyfriend and getting confused about her feelings because he's not covered in fur. Am I crazy?