213: Your Erica Is Ready
June 10, 2018 at 1:00PM •
1 hour 25 minutes •
This awkward week we're talking about ourselves for way too long! But also, we manage to answer one question in the end about conflicting sex drives.
Show Notes & Links
Presented by CacheFly
This awkward week we're talking about A Five Year Initiation Failure, and How do I make friends I don’t get it!
Awkward Story Time:
Richard buys a ticket off a friend and finds out he paid a dollar more.
Adam suddenly has bad breath and nobody agrees on the reason.
Should Adam remain friends with Mr. Anonymous? This isn't really a question but that's how we're putting it.
CJ: "WARNING: Long message ahead.
Hey guys and gals!
First of all thank you so much for answering my question in such a kind and thorough way, I gained a lot of perspective from your advice.
It has taken six months for me to write back in to you, but fortunately I can provide further detail on our relationship as it has progressed since I last reached out.
For sake of his anonymity, I will refer to my SO as 'Greg.' A brief history: Greg and I met in 2013, I was 21, he was 52. We did in fact meet on Grindr (I know...), and have built a beautiful and established relationship over the last five years.
Here's the thing, I love him and I know he loves me, we are both very happy in the relationship as a whole, but our sex life is still quite sour... This may proceed into a longer message than expected, simply because it is hard to explain the dynamic without drawing many comparisons.
So now, for the not-so-great stuff:
In the entire five years we have been together, we have not had 'real' sex more than about 50 times, and the unfortunate thing is that is a high estimate. Out of those times, I initiated entirely. The times when Greg has initiated sex have only been the times that we have argued about our sex life and something I said caused him to feel guilty.
Which leads to my next point...
Yes, we have talked about it. Multiple times. Even gotten into heated, all out brawls about it. I've had him in tears when being honest with how I felt about our sex life (not intentionally of course), and he has consistently promised to change and be more open and sexual as a partner and continuously fallen through with that promise.
On the other hand, I still very much enjoy performing oral sex on him, as he is very well-endowed and I am very well-experienced ;). However, I can count on one hand the number of times he has done it for me, and what kills me is how much I truly love getting head, yet he makes it seem like such a chore, and thus I never receive it. If he'd simply return the favor every now and then, I'd be okay with not having sex that often.
So that leaves this weird power differential in our relationship, because whenever I'm horny I feel almost obligated to go blow him (we sleep in separate bedrooms, and mutually love it tbh) before he goes to bed. But now he just turns onto his back, takes it, and falls asleep once he's finished. I've spent countless dollars on lubes, toys, enemas, etc to try to make improvements in the bedroom, but nothing seems to phase his inherent laziness toward our sex life.
I will say again, I do love him, and I do realize certain aspects within our relationship may cause issues in romance. I work and go to school - both full time, and he works and runs a business, we operate on opposite schedules (as I write this at 11:35 PM).
If he's too tired, he will turn me down or complain that it's too late. And as sad as it may be to say, I've gotten to the point where I just watch porn and jerk off to even get a slight fix, but as I'm sure the fellas will understand, it's just not the same as someone pleasuring you and enjoying it.
Once again, we ARE happy together, our life outside the bedroom is great. We go to brunch, take our dog to the park, go on walks, etc on our days off. But then at night, he settles in to watch TV, and I do either homework or work for my side business in my office. I love Greg, after five years I can still honestly say I'm crazy about him, I still find him very charming and attractive, and he's honestly the best thing to have ever happened to me. I am just simply at my wits-end with our sex life, and after all the discussions and/or arguments we have had about it, I'm beginning to feel as if this is how it's going to be for the entirety of our relationship.
Before I finish, I will also add that we have remained monogamous the entire time we have spent together. I will be solo-traveling through Asia for part of the summer and am worried if I meet someone I'm attracted to I may end up pursuing them. I don't want to hurt him, but I also am getting to the point where I just want to feel wanted again.
I know you all aren't therapists or counselors (although you'd make fantastic ones), but from being a loyal listener to your show for over a year now, I know you give valuable, honest advice and it is received from multiple perspectives, and that is what I love most about listening! So thanks again, and sorry for the crazy long message.
Keep up the great work!
(The phone # provided is my cell, I can receive texts or phone calls, although I can usually respond to texts more quickly)"