The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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Cheese for Breakfast!

202: Cheese for Breakfast!

March 13, 2018 at 2:00AM • 1 hour 19 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about a mom that only serves cheese for breakfast, sex robots, and the ring of domination. Got a question/story/comment/whatever? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit for many options (including anonymous/pseudononymous submissions).

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly


Murray Chad Michael: "Good afternoon, Awkward Humans. I have rubbed my dick raw and am in need of assistance. Do not fret! I have ointment. This is a purely existential crisis.

My relationship with my lady is that of a dom-sub nature in which I am the sub. Our arrangement works like it does for many in the community, insofar as we keep our sex in the home and go about our lives as a standard American couple in all other situations. Almost but not quite! I also use a ""consent ring"" that I wear when I'm open to being dominated, and she wears a ""horny charm bracelet"" when she wants to tell me she's down to fuck. We have a our rules and limits but the ring and bracelet gives us a way to ask for what we want and give consent without words. That's a turn on for the both of us. Rawr!

My lady went on a snowboarding trip with her girlfriends to celebrate International Women's Day. I stayed home and masturbated. One of our rules is that I'm not allowed to masturbate outside of her presence. She knows I'm a weak bitch who will give into his desires anyway and she punishes me for it. To my delight, of course! But I have overdone it this time and chafed my dick. I will be punished if she sees it. She knows the raw red marks of my indiscretion intimately.

As much as I enjoy her inventive punishments, I would like to allow my dick time to heal. On the other hand, the punishment for this could be sublime and she will take my safety into account as she loves me and I love her. I am excited by this prospect and yet I find myself concerned that perhaps I am thinking with my damaged dick and not with my brain.

My question is this: do I wear the ring for her return or not? I will follow whatever advice you bestow upon me. Either way, I win."

Cynthia: "i want to fuck a sex bot. like if siri was a real man and had a body with a rock hard cock. how?"

Boy Crazy: "I was a closet gay for half of high school and then I got over it for a boy I met when I was 17. He dumped me because I was boy crazy. Now 10 years have passed and nothing has changed one bit.

I wasn't a cheater or nothing like that. I just think about cute boys all the time. I got posters of boys in underwear (like Calvin Klein ads but not Beiber I got standards) up in my room and art in the kitchen. Boys are my screensaver. Boys are my binder cover. My license plate says I LOVE BOYS (the love is a heart symbol though). That's fine for hookups but people don't like to come to my house because of all the boys. My car gets keyed a lot. I got fired from a spa one time because of my computer wallpaper even though it was a hot boy in the spa! Not THAT spa but like one I found from googling. I'm not some creeper!

Yeah so I am boy crazy and can't stop. What can I do? I try to tone it down but then I get crazier. Is there some way I can be boy crazy but not make it be a problem for my personal relationships or my whole life?"

C.A.: "Aloha awkward human coworkers! I got this weird family situation going on that maybe you can help with. So like my whole life my mom made breakfast every morning and still does but two weeks ago she just gave us cheese for breakfast. Like not on eggs or toast. Like it's just cheese by itself. She slices it sometimes I guess. Like on day one I'm like mom, what's up with the cheese? And she's like shutup and eat your breakfast. (She didn't say shutup but she was in a mood.) So I thought that she was pregnant or something because she didn't eat cheese alot before this but now it's chese all the mornings every morning. Three days of cheese, I'm like mom why cheese AGAAAAAIN??? She gives me so the same answer so I'm like mom are you pregnant? Her face turned into a raisin so I'm like okay fine Jesus! My dad goes to work early so I never see him in the morning and my little sister is four so she don't care. I asked my dad about the cheese after school and he said we just got a Sam's Club membership like that is an explanation. So I'm like dad that is not an explanation and he's like talk to your mother. I tried dad! WTF! I keep asking but they just give me bogus answers all the time. Why is this hapepening???!!!!!! I don't get it."