The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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188: Don't Lick Cucumbers in Greek Monestaries

November 11, 2017 at 10:00PM • 1 hour 4 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about shit cakes, mama's catheter, and erection depression. Questions/comments/stories/whatevers? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit for several options!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Darren's gotta go multiple times in multiple places.

This Week's Questions:

  • Mattheyous asks, "Yes. It's true. I like kale. Also, I can't become a vegetarian because I need to keep my carnitine level at a certain level. Although I'll ask my nephrologist about that. My testosterone is on the low side. I can't remember the numbers (the paperwork is upstairs and it's a shit load to go through). I can still type (luckily) and a swiping keyboard is easier on your hands ( counterintuitive, I know). I may have mispoke (HA. GET IT?! MISPOKE!). I use this app to communicate when my voice is too soft. Proloquo4Text by AssistiveWare I hate my voice though so it's more of an ease of communication issue, I guess. I should practice non-touch masturbation but I have about three hours of exercise to do each day to preserve my muscles. I nearly forgot to the thank you. Thank you for the help!"
  • Anonymous (34/SM) asks, "Tell me if you ever heard of this one: I get feelings of sadness when I get an erection. If I cum they go away. If I don't cum, they last all day. I get erections when I don't want erections. I am 34 and work with beautiful women. Either I jack off in the bathroom or I feel depressed until I get off from work and can get off in the safety of my apartment. I don't know what this means."
  • Daron (19/SM) asks, "i was out on a date with this chick last week and picked her up at her place. she had a smoodge on her nose and so i licked it up cuz it looked like frosting (chocolate). nope. it was bitter and gross like what could be shit. she made a face so i said nothing and went to the toilet. was it shit or cake? that's what i wanna know. i know you wanna say ask except here's why i don't. 1, if its cake then she'll say cake but i know this was not cake. 2, if she says it isn't cake but isn't shit and the food isn't somethin i believe then i will be skeptical. 3, if she says it is shit why the FUCK is shit on her nose! k, bye"
  • Tabby (29/GF) asks, "Dear Awkward Humans, My mama said she needed me after her surgery to care for her and whatnot. I knew she would have a catheter installed and that I would need to I guess manage it? It was like when I was a little girl and the boys said I couldn't beat them in a track race. I did win but I was 110 percent sure I could win it when I looked at that track and thought I was going to die when I was done. I guess what I mean is I thought I could handle my mama's catheter but after she asked me if there was any blood on it I wanted to toss my lunch. She can't afford home care and I can't afford it for her but I need to get out of this. No siblings. Dad's dead. I'm a lesbian and 29 by the way which does not help. Thank you kindly, Tabby"

Special Segment: GROCERY WARS!!!!

Final Thoughts: Have you thought about accessorizing with a bracelet? It cured my sister's depression. My sister was a bracelet, though. She died in a fire about a week after. It was tragic, but at least she was happy. I forgot to mention she was an arsonist, too. A bracelet arsonist. I come from a strange, hybrid family that's half-human half-bracelet—but the good kind of old school bracelet. Anyway, she accessorized a sad lady who never received a promotion at work for 20 years, infected her with thoughts of arson, and they lit the office on fire. But the weird thing is my sister did not intend to die in the fire—she just wanted to watch the fire burn. The sad lady wanted to burn down with the company because she hated herself for lighting the fire in the first place. She suddenly realized she had irreparably destroyed the only life she knew. It may not have respected her or cared for her in any way, but she had nothing else. And so my sister burnt into the flesh of the woman and their mortal union reminded us all of horrors of unmanaged depression.