The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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Game of Threes: A Song of Missile and Motor Oil

179: Game of Threes: A Song of Missile and Motor Oil

August 30, 2017 at 7:00PM • 1 hour 1 minute • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about embracing "the gay," convenient cum eating, and tire fires of the anus. Questions/comments/whatevers? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit for more options!

Special guest: Paul Shaw, co-host of our new Sex Safari podcast!

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Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: The force was with Paul the first time he masturbated.

This Week's Questions:

  • Moist Towelette (High School-Aged/SQF - An Update!) asks, "Hello again Awkward Humans, it's Moist Towelette. Thank you for reading my story on the podcast! Erica seemed so thrilled to read my long message (sorry Erica!). I just wanted to clear up that I wasn't trying to draw a line between Leah pooping on my couch and being a lesbian. I was thinking more along the lines of, she was fully nude and very enthusiastically making conversation with me and our friends while everyone was changing. That doesn't mean anything either, and it is all in the past anyways. I apologize for not making that clear! My parents did flip the sofa mattress over, and at the time we did not have money for a new couch. This is unrelated, but I got excited when Adam and Richard were talking about Rick and Morty, it's such a good show! Thanks again!"
  • Dev (Formerly D, 23/GM) asks, "Thanks for reading my advice for Jack and I continually have advice and opinions I like to share (maybe even to be a guest on your podcast would be pretty cool). Like I said I have lots of advice and opinions and stories like I told in my previous email. Like for instance you know that straight friend I was telling you about? Well at the same time frame we were fooling around I was also convincing his straight cousin to send me nudes and dick pics. But anyway thanks again. Hope to hear back from you guys! Erica keep saying Darren's name wrong I absolutely love Darren but its just so funny when he pitches a over it lol. Also you do a great job at pronouncing Richards name, love the rolling of the R's. Aloha"
  • Vilde asks, "Hi!!!! You were talking about the tatatowel so I thought I would send you this article I found on Facebook today. About me working: I am 16 years old and I work about 5 hours a week. I still go to school and have plenty of free time. I do this because it's easier to get a job later if you have been working from a young age and because I am very well paid. It's fine that you use my name, I don't think anyone I know listens to the podcast. The only reason I wouldn't want it is that you're all pronouncing it wrong and I didn't want you to make fun of it.... the name is German. When I say you don't need to read the stuff I send on the podcast I mean that if you don't get enough time to go through everything you should prioritize questions, not my rambling, haha Can't wait to listen to the next podcast! :)"
  • Anonymous (Feedback) asks, "I'm just listening to ep 176. FYI, HPV can cause cancer in the mouth and throat, not just the cervix. Therefore all sexual partners should be made aware, especially lesbian partners. "
  • Mathæyós asks, "Hello, Award Humans! I thought it’d update you guys on my visit. I’ll try to keep it brief and not talk about the unrelated things that happened. But I’ll included the down syndrome stories because i know how Dachis like those (and after interacting with Webb (not his real name), I can see why). At the Inn I met a very nice British family: Webb and his mother Arabella (again, not their real names) and also met Webb’s father, but he wasn’t there much and I don’t remember his name. Webb has Down Syndrome AND leukemia. He’s also introverted (not a condition just a [personality type). When I was having dinner with them one night Webb wandered off and Amelia was concerned about where he went. (Said in a charming British accent): “Where’s he gone? Oh, he’s over there ducking the balloons. He’s afraid of balloons.” After we were finished dinner Webb cleared the table (one of his favorite things to do). Amelia was eating ice cream. “I’m not finished, Webb.” Webb then takes it anyways. “Well, I guess I’m done”. Another night we were having chicken. Webb finished his chicken and Amelia told him there was still meat on the bones. He pushes it at me. “Man,” he says. Amelia, laughing “No, he doesn’t want your bones, Webb!” He then cleared the entire table. He kept trying to take my plate but Amelia kept trying to tell him I wasn’t finished, “Webb, he’s not done. Leave it.” Very nice young man and he gave me a hug when he left. Also, did you know that if you go to the UK as a foreigner that the NHS will cover you if you have an emergency? I didn’t, Guess who’s going to England! I also learned from a woman that (really long story that I won’t bore you with but her daughter has Cystinosis and they came from Bolivia) that my She Who Will Remain Nameless went to the conference in Utah. Apparently they got some sort of scholarship (because there’s no way they can afford that!). Good thing I didn’t go! And I’m certainly not going to any more conferences. Fuck that bitch. I don’t need that kind of stress. My clinical coordinator said that she won’t schedule me the same days as my ex, so I don’t have that to worry about! And my medical team said if I keep doing what I'm doing in 20 years I won't need a kidney transplant, I don’t have to come back for three years! Oh, and (read in a Professor Farnsworth voice from Futurama) Good news, everyone! I have anxiety that’s so bad that it borders on PTSD. IT affects the test results in 2014 (if you recall I was in a very bad place). Also have muscle wasting in my hands. Fuck me, right? They gave me three choices: Xanax (not doing that), therapy (I’m too smart for most therapists—I have Aspergers and can see where they’re coming from and what they’re going to say a mile away; I’ve asked other Aspies and apparently that’s at thing), or meditation. So I got an Apple watch (the reminders to breathe are very helpful). If you can think of any good meditation apps, let me know. Oh, and talking to your dog is not that weird. My Grandfather and Father would have full on conversations with Elvis (my dog from childhood to young adulthood ). They would even fill in his side of the conversation. Example, when he took a shit in the dining room: Elvis: “Well I dion’t see the problem, I eat in the bathroom (his food bowl was in the bathroom) and I don’t yell at you when you take a dump in there. Grandfather (flabbergasted)" Elvis! " Opps. Guess I failed in keeping it brief. Sorry, Erika. Mathæyós"
  • Barry McCockiner asks, "Is it bad to eat your own cum not as a fetish just for convenience - asking for a friend :)"
  • Vasha (24/BF) asks, "Heyall :D I'm Vasha, I'm 24, and I love dick *and* pussy. Which one do I love more? Right now it's dick cos I've got a boyfriend and that's what he's packin. Long story short we play the game of 3s which if you don't know goes like this: you name three things and the other person's supposed to pick one to do and you can't suggest any of the non-chosen ones for another three rounds. Specifically I could say to my boyfriend this cos I did last Tuesday:
    1. Cum on my perineum and lick it into my pussy like a boss. (TMI I mean my former boss who opened me to this and it was hard core. He owned three bakeries.)
    2. Get pegged. I pick the dildos. You pick which hole gets which. (Spit roast-style cos I'm stylish.)
    3. Fuck puppets. (This is not literal in case you don't know but is drawing the curtains closed and fucking in front of a big light so your fuck shadow is broadcast to the world like hand puppets.)
    Yeah, and then he's got to pick one. We play fair so no picking two really awful ones nobody would ever do or is illegal to make the other pick the one you want or stuff like that. But also it's the honor system so it builds trust in our relationship. 3.666 years and we're making it the moon! The problem though happened when he gave me a game of threes where I had to pick from these options:
    1. Pitfucking
    2. Titfucking
    3. Buttfucking
    I've got scratchy pits so that was dead on arrival and I just got over pink eye so I voted down the titfuck. We obviously have a kink in our sex life but he has not fucked my butt. This is hilarious you guys cos we have both skullfucked each other and masturbated to a photo of his mom (she's hot so it's not gross) but never in the butt. Yeah fingers obviously but no dicks. He did not want me to peg him but trust me that shit's going down soon. So we got to planning the buttfuck and douched it. I know it's a no-no, you guys said already in the past but I'm lazy you guys. Got it all spic and span though so hmmm on that. Now anyway we got into it later and improv-d a scene where I took the dom role and he the 5th grade school bully I turned into a sub with my discipline. He whined so I made him eat my ass. He got up in there like a good boy but was all like "waah your ass smells like a tire fire" so I told him to put it out with his mouth. So he did what he was told and then he fucked my ass swoll. I assumed it would be one of my acquired tastes but I loved it all. You know what they say about people who assume and it was so true for us. But afterwards we were feeding each other cereal bits on the couch. Side note! We fuck on the couch more cos we get bored during television and one of us has a hand on the other's genital before Sheldon goes on one of his rants. Another one, does Sheldon remind everyone of Adam if he weren't so cheery? I am surprise no one has brought this up before. Back to my ass though cos the thing my boyfriend said about the tire fire was actually cos my asshole smelled like motor oil apparently so it wasn't just role play. Now I have two problems. The first one is now I am less happy about buttfucks than I was before and I want to get that happiness back. Will this resolve if I clean my anus better? The second one is that I am wondering if douches make your anus smell like making rubber melt? I think it must be the douche. It was by a company called 'Missile' I think so possibly you have experience with them and you can tell me. Otherwise why does my anus smell like this? I will have my boyfriend check when it's natural and supply you with an update but I'll take some advice in any case. This is great. Thank you!"
  • Anonymous (17/GM) asks, "To the Awkward Human Survival Guide, I'm 17, recently moved to Illinois for family work reasons, and learned i was gay when I was 15 in Oklahoma. I want to know how... to embrace the gay, i was threatened a lot back in Oklahoma for being gay so I became quite introverted. Like where can I go (i live on outskirts of Chicago) what sort of stuff should i be looking for here?"
  • Marge (16/GF) asks, "Hey y'all, it's Marge the 16 yr old lesbian from episode 169. I need help coming out to my best friend. I'm not concerned that she's homophobic. She has a gay sibling and is very openly supportive of him even in our small southern town. We've been best friends for 5 years and I've helped her out with many boyfriends and I'm just ready for her to know. But I'm concerned about her getting the wrong idea. I'm have no interest in her like that and don't want it to suddenly rock our friendship. Yikes! Help me??? Also, another quick question, I've been seeing a lot of memes about "vers" on gay dating apps. What is a ver? Love the show and I appreciate all y'all do <3"
  • Hot Gas asks, "Has any of you farted on a dick before? I mean while it's inside you. If you have or it happened to you please elaborate."

Special Segment:

Final Thoughts: What song do you want played during your funeral? Is it Kesha's Rainbow?

Related Links:

  • Chicago Is the World: Directory of Youth Organizations: A directory of youth organizations in Chicago (not just gay ones, but it includes them).
  • Queery List of Gay Support Groups in Chicago: Therapy/support options in Chicago for gay people.
  • Center on Halsted: Therapy Groups & Support Groups : Group Therapy and Support groups at Center on Halsted are one component of our Behavioral Health Services. We currently offer on-going therapy groups and time-limited therapy groups for individuals working on making changes in their lives. Additionally, we offer time limited support groups in both the Behavioral Health and HIV Testing and Prevention departments for individuals seeking general support. For a list of current groups, please visit our calendar. Descriptions of all of our current groups are listed below.
  • LGBT Meetups in Chicago: Here's a look at some LGBT Meetups happening near Chicago.
  • 14 Chicago LGBTQ organizations you should know: Last month, Project Fierce launched an IndieGogo campaign to raise funds and awareness for its proposed work with the LGBTQ community. The project is now 9 days into its goal of securing the sum needed to make a down payment on a house for LGBTQ youth. Currently, Project Fierce is about halfway to its stated goal of $10,000.
  • Gay and Lesbian Resources at the Trevor Project: Gay is an adjective that describe people who are physically, romantically, emotionally and/or spiritually attracted to other people of the same gender. In the past, “gay” specifically referred to men who are attracted to men. Now, it is common for “gay” to be used by anyone who is attracted to their same gender. It’s all up to you and which word fits you the best.