The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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The Butt Whisperer

177: The Butt Whisperer

August 17, 2017 at 6:00PM • 1 hour 31 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about romance for Jack, lesbian age gaps, and managing post-breakup friends with benefits. Questions/comments/stories/whatevers? Visit or call/text 509-AWKWARD! :)

Special Guest: Mark Waters of the GaymeOn Podcast

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Sarahah? And our tennis coach decides to have a fake gay relationship.

This Week's Questions:

  • Zelda (14/GF) asks, "I just finished the episode, excellent as always. I have not heard from my ex for awhile, and I'm guessing I will have to wait until summer break is over to see what happens. I was actually hoping Darren would be on the episode with my question, he is one of my favorite guests on the podcast! As for what a 14-year-old does on a date, since I live in the middle of nowhere, the only options are swimming, seeing a movie, going on a hike, or hanging around at someone's house. Also, more about why I dated a boy, I was telling myself I was bisexual for a time, and recently realized it was probably because I felt almost guilty about not finding men attractive. Not because my family is homophobic, but that most people I know expect me to eventually 'settle down' with a man. Where I go to school, gay is used as an insult and there are enough Trump supporters to make me uncomfortable, so teenagers still suck as far as I know."
  • D (GM/23) asks, "I have an idea for Jack from the previous episode. What worked for me when I was in high school when I had a crush is I would invite whoever over to stay the night and just watch some movies or play videogames and the suggest playing truth or dare. Start off with small dares and then lead up to like running around the house outside naked 3 times or dare him to give you a lap dance while he is in only underwear. One thing that worked for me was I had this straight friend that I grew up with and we were close like we used to stay over at eachothers houses all the time and in high school I knew I was gay but I wasn't out and I always had a crush on him. Well one night he stayed the night and we were playing the Matrix reloaded game on PS2 (this was only 5+ years ago so no this game did not come out at the time this happened). Well we got tired of that so we decided to watch some TV and I was flipping thru channels and accident oy stumbled upon the after dark channel so us being 17 immature guys decided to watch it. Not even 5 minutes into the movie the people started fucking (of course) well I was really hot and bothered (duh) and then I noticed he was too because he was rubbing his dick on the outside of his pjs. So I started doing the same and then it turned into him reaching into his pants to rub is dick so again I did the same. Eventually we just lost the pants and started jacking off together (and each other). We continued to have sleepovers like this until we graduated. At one point in time it went a bit further from jacking off when he jokingly dared me to such his dick (which of course I did, amazingly if I do say so myself, he said he ever had an orgasm like that in his life. So yay me!). Anyways these ideas have helped me in the past and they may help Jack. Best of luck and Aloha."
  • Jack (15/GM) asks, "Literally minutes after i sent the last email my best friend ( jessica ) invited me to hang out at her place with THE GUY ( tom ) because he’s in her class and the were going to study and she thinks it would be awkward just them 2. so i came round and we stayed for about 2 hours and talked a little, but we are both kind of awkward when talking to people. so another one of my friends come round and we stay some more then another comes round ( Mark ) and he is clearly gay. Anyway mark is in the same class as my best friend and the guy and he’s REALLY flirty with tom and i fid this out and I’m like… bitch what! so apparently in class mark is always feeling him up and tom just laughs it off but i know he loves the attention, anyway time goes on ere just talking and stuff, 2 more people come over and we start playing truth or dare and i have to kiss the guy who’s flirting with my crush , but i was no big deal it was only a peck on the lips but during this game tom is just lying they’re and he sees me staring at his ass ( i couldn’t help myself its fantastic, so are his calves and the rest of his body tbh ) but he just smiles at me and i go bright red but no one else notices so alls good. anyway time passes and its my turn i pick truth but a minute passes and people didn’t know what to ask so i guess the game ended and we just began talking agin when it all goes silent jessica just goes “JACK , YOU GAY?” and i just choke on my water and go like “haha…. noooo” and she was like haha bull shit. and i notice that the guy gives my a funny look like a thats a damn shame for me but sarcastically look. so we go walking for a bit and we stop by a stream and i climb a tree and the guy comes up with me and is pretty impressed with me and is like damn how did you get up here and I’m like go I’m really flexible and he’s like oh yeah that must come in useful he says it really flirty aswell we both laugh and blush, anyway he throws down his phone for someone to take a photo ( ill attach it if i can ) so he unlocks his phone and jessica goes on his snapchat takes the picture but then looks at all his other pictures and theres ones of him with his fucking godly body and i blushed when she showed me and was like fuck, that some hot shit haha and she says faggot, but jokingly. Anyway through out the day mark is being really flirty again and i just give him the biggest fucking sly looks and he smiles at me sarcasticly and he knows that i want him and i know that he wants him. so it looks like i have some competition but its okay he’s not the best looking or having the best body he’s just more forward, but we go to the park and we’re on this thing were its like and arch that 2 people go on each side it bounces ups nd down and spins n shit but its really sexual and tom sits on the top of the arch and slides down on to mark lap and he starts stroking his inner thigh and its funny but i can tell he doesn’t like it but likes the attention. so i don’t know what to do no because i have competition over tom who is also I’ve found out trying to get with this girl. but i think he knows i want him but i don’t know if he’s just playing with me because he likes being adorned after. also darren asked where i was was from and being gay isn’t exactly welcome here and I’m not looking to date this guy because he will get beat up. the only other gay person i know gets beat up and was hospitalised. i would’ve came out before but I’ve gotten beat up before and i just don’t want that to happen to me again. Also for sure put me in touch with toby haha i love his accent and he seems like a nice enough guy and i wanna know how he gets these guys haha. again i love the show always puts a smile on my face when I’m down ;) thanks for the advice - Jack x"
  • DeeDee (18/BF) asks, "Hello! I would like to ask for advice in a relationship I'm currently in. I'm 18 bi female and the girl I'm dating is 24 lesbian. One of our concerns is the age gap. Is 6 years too big? Another is more of my concern, we're both very shy. We usually dont talk because we end up waiting for each other. I really really like her and I don't want for our relationship to be short-lived. I've been doing much more effort for the both of us but the age gap is still the main issue that keeps us from doing a whole lot together like hang out with friends. I told her I dont mind it but clearly it bothers her even if she said the same. We're co-workers but in different departments, stationed in different offices, only ever seeing and talking about work. Should I cool things off first? Does she even like me? I'm very confused. With love, Deedee"
  • Moist Towelette (High School-Aged/SQF) asks, "Hi awkward humans! I am a high school-aged, straight/questioning female. I have been listening to your podcast in order, and I am not caught up yet, so I guess that I will have to listen out of order to hear your responses. I have an awkward story that I thought you guys might like. I will not give the real name of the person in this story and if they happen to be listening, I want to make it clear that I am not sharing this story to be mean. I invited four of my friends to my fifth grade birthday party to sleep over. I will call the girl in this story Leah. Leah was already having a rough time. She had tripped on my porch and skinned her knee, plus she had always been a kind of awkward part of our friend group. When we were changing into pjs, everyone minded their own business and were either modest, or changed in the bathroom. Leah was not down with that. She stripped in front of us and declared that "we are all girls here". Leah was pretty, uh, developed for a fifth grader and she was making everyone uncomfortable. When that was over, we pulled out the couch bed and went to sleep. I thought that I was up first that morning, but I found that I was wrong when I went to the bathroom. My toilet was filled, almost to the brim, with poop. I woke up my friends so that they could see it, as you do, and once my mom plunged it we did not really talk about it. Then, as we were cleaning up the sofa bed, we saw it. There was an obvious brown stain on the mattress where Leah had been sleeping. She claimed that she did not do it, but we all knew. Looking back at it, the whole ordeal was probably the most awkward for Leah. If she had felt sick, then why would not she call her parents and leave? A couple of months ago we finally replaced the poop couch. To this day, my family still calls it the poop couch. No one slept on the mattress again, if you were wondering. I also discovered that Leah came out as a lesbian in middle school. Maybe that has something to do with the changing thing? I love your podcast, because somehow its informative and hilarious. I would like to know what you all think about this situation. What would you have done? Thanks, Moist Towelette"
  • CanaDan (20/BM) asks, "Hello awkward friends, I was in my first relationship over the past nearly 6 months, which ended yesterday as my boyfriend felt he no longer had the romantic interest, passion, or capacity to carry on our relationship with other issues he's facing. Although this was the last thing I wanted to hear, I did see it coming for about a week or two given his growing distance. In a way, I am relieved knowing that I've had that weight lifted off of my shoulders, along with the fact that we both want to remain friends (with benefits). I know this arrangement may not last forever, but it's nice to have gotten off on good terms. Do you have any advice or insight on what it's like to remain friends (with or without benefits) after dating someone and getting off on the best of terms? Especially since that was the case with Adam and Darren, if I'm remembering correctly."

Special Segment: You're special!

Final Thoughts: What if you shaved one arm and not the other and told NO ONE? Would they say anything? Would they even notice? Which arm would you choose to shave and which one would you leave some degree of hairy? These are questions you can easily answer with five minutes and a razor. If the answers come to you, please let us know.

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