The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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Asexual Turd Twisters

174: Asexual Turd Twisters

July 27, 2017 at 10:00AM • 1 hour 6 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about asexual discovery, turd twisters, nasty step sisters, and Poo-Pourri! Questions/comments/stories/whatevers? Visit or call/text 509-AWKWARD! Special guests: Jeffrey Jay (Comedian) and AJ Jackson (Saint Motel).

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Erica has a short story about milk and Jeffrey encounters a giant penis.

This Week's Questions:

  • Anonymous (Voicemail) asks, "A comment about Poopourri! (Listen)"
  • Mark asks, "Hey Awkward Humans (co-workers of the world), I stumbled upon this site Turd Twister while browsing reddit one day, and it made me think of the show. They don’t seem to be selling them anymore. This is the purchase site, Prank Place but I thought you would like the "how to” section on there from the manual. I’ll quoted section is below for easier access. I don’t need to be anonymous if you are going to share this on the show. Hope you like it! Sample Sections From The Manual: "How To Twist Your Turd" Introduction: The Turd Twister is designed to fit comfortably up your butt during your morning constitutional. Insert the Extruder Ring, hold it tenderly between your butt cheeks, and let nature take its course. Now you can take advantage of sophisticated Turd Twister extrusion technology to craft incredible excremental designs whenever you like! Continued in the manual... Safety Considerations: For your safety, maintain a firm grip on the the Safe-T-Floss Retraction Cord. Think of it as your "rip-cord to relief", should you ever find the Turd Twister in an inappropriate, or uncomfortable location. The Safe-T-Floss System was engineered to work to the specifications of most major dental floss manufacturers, however, for maximum security and peace of mind, you may wish to employ a 30-lb test fishing line. Heavier cord is recommended especially for users that have a tendency to "sphincter-pinch" during extrusion...continued in the manual Options for Placement: The Chair Squat: Place the Extruder Ring in the center of a non-upholstered chair. Drop your pants or raise your skirt and carefully ease yourself down onto the Turd Twister. A chair with armrests is recommended to maintain proper balance. Once you feel the plastic touching your butt cheeks, start a swiveling / rocking motion to assist entry of the device. You will have completely inserted the Ring once you are fully seated, and can lift your feet off the ground...continued in the manual Troubleshooting: Problem: "The device flew out of my ass while I was taking a dump. What's wrong?" Probable cause and solution: - You may have too much or improper lubrication. Remove the device and wipe it down with a dish towel. If lubrication is desired, we recommend saliva only. - Excess gas can cause the device to rocket across the room. Refer to the "Dietary Concerns" section of this manual. - Your sphincter may have abnormally expanded. Immediately discontinue use and consult a physician. Continued in the manual..."
  • Topaz (36/F) asks, "Me again. how can I verify whether I am indeed asexual? I love to cuddle and I can orgasm ... I am a straight female, age 36 Thanks."
  • Vilde (16/PBF) asks, "Hey, Adam and all! 16 year old female, polyamorous bisexual in a monogamous relationship (yes - it's sexually frustrating) I have a question, or an awkward situation, what ever you wanna call it.... this is pretty long, sorry about that, there's a "Too long, didn't read" at the bottom, so if you want to you can just skip the long text. Me, my brother, and I used to live in a nice house with room for everyone and a good relationship with our neighbors. We're all pretty tidy and we had a good relationship. Now my dad's girlfriend have moved into our house with her daughter. So I now have a step mum and a step sister. My step sister is the same age as my brother, 13 years old, but they are completely different! My sister is extremely messy, to the point we're it's gross. She leaves bloody pads in her closet, which wouldn't be a problem if she was the only one using it, but it's full of bags and other stuff belonging to the rest of the family. She also gets every fucking thing she points at. And of course - if a Kardashian has been seen with it - she wants it. This does not apply to me or my brother, partly because we're not used to it, so it feels wrong asking for it. She also borrows or steals my stuff without asking and she's a really fucking bad liar. If I tell her that it's not okay that she takes my stuff she just claims that it was always hers. She doesn't take anything big, but for example when she takes my makeup-remover I have to buy a new one and also it's really fucking annoying to stand there with a full face of makeup, it's late and you have no way to remove it properly. Lastly she takes up all the room in the cabinet at the bathroom so I can't keep my stuff there and have to go up two stairs to get stuff I use every day to the bathroom. I would've told her, but it's more important to me that them moving in goes well, because of my dad, than petty things like this. The awkward thing is that she has noticed/felt that I don't like her and now she's told her mum that she's scared of me and doesn't wanna be home alone when I'm there. She's obviously exaggerating, but still. Of course her mum told my dad, who said that I probably hadn't done anything wrong and that it's probably because she is/used to be a lonely child. So now the responsible thing to would be to talk to her, but what am I gonna say? "Hey, I think you're a nasty, whiny baby and I'm sorry you noticed that. So what can we do to make this problem go away?" You can't say that to a 13 year old..... TOO LONG, DIDN'T READ: I think my new step sister is nasty and whiny, but I can't tell her because she's younger than me and I want my dad to be happy. She noticed and now she told her mum that she's scared of me and I think I have to talk to her. What should I say to my sister? How can I make it more comfortable for my self to live with her? Love your podcast and all that, you already know... Ps: the bad exam didn't matter, I just got accepted into the school I wanted:))"
  • Grace (F) asks, "Hey guys my name is Grace and Im a new listener. Just wanted to reach out and say that I love you guys and really dig the show but also wanted to ask why did you all start your show? If there is a background episode already my bad but I honestly want to ask about your start up because I myself would love to start a podcast. So just wondering what were things that motivated and got y'all together? I love the idea of talking about all kinds of subjects in life as yall do and wonder what content is good content, like when you started did you have a specific subject to talk about and also how did you pick the peeps in your group talk about it with? I find you guys hilarious and through and through entertaining and thought yall would be the perfect people to ask. Thanks in advance :)"

Just For You: Second Hand Dildos

Final Thoughts: Do you feel that in your left armpit? Focus. You'll feel it.

Related Links:

  • The Episode Where Erica Gets Her Flight to Canada: Just in case you're like Jeffrey, here's where Erica's flight to Canada really began. :)
  • Turd Twister: "The Turd Twister is a complete kit for shaping your turd into amazing designs, and it comes with a hilarious instruction manual. It's just a joke of course, and it's good for hours of laughter! It's the Ultimate Gift for the person who has everything, including a 'twisted' sense of humor!"
  • Turd Twister is like A Fecal Cookie Cutter: Holy crap, literally! The Turd Twister is one hell of a unique gadget. Remember those Play-Doh machines back in the day that would pump out spaghetti and other shapes in Play-Doh—well this is pretty much identical, but the dough is of a more home-made variety. Pop the Turd Twister of your choice into the poop chute and begin the fun! Anybody watch Sopranos last night? Yeah, Vito, Jr. could really use one of these. The set of 10 dishwasher safe designs is available for $10.
  • 12/10/2008 Turd Twister: cumminsturbofan101: "this is my vlog about the turd twister just watch and enjoy"
  • Possible Signs of Asexuality – Part 1: About You: A lack of experiencing sexual attraction is the only thing that all asexuals have in common. That’s what the definition of asexuality is. But that definition doesn’t help people who are trying to figure out if they’re asexual. It’s a definition through negation, which isn’t useful if you’re not sure what’s being negated. It’s like saying “You’re unxonoxian if you’ve never seen a xonox.” How are you supposed to know if you’ve never seen a xonox, when you have absolutely no idea what a xonox is? Maybe you’ve seen one, but just didn’t know that’s what it was called. So you ask someone how to know if you’ve seen a xonox, and the best answer they can give is “Well, if you’ve seen a xonox, you’d know.”