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The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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17: D*** in a Box

July 8, 2014 at 12:30PM • 60 minutes • Wiki Entry

This week on the podcast we're talking about a boyfriend who wants to have s** with a UPS package, an annoying hoarder, and what it's like to transition from male to female.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: An update from Nick, the Mantalope: "Thanks for reading my note on the show. You three asked for some clarification about my nickname and my listening habits. First Mantalope was my walkie-talkie call sign when I was a camp councilor. The directer came up with it and it stuck. I’ve always thought of a Mantalope as a cross between a manatee and a jackalope, so basically a manatee with antlers. But really a Mantalope can be whatever you want, the only limit is your imagination. Second I listen at work without headphones. I have an office not a cube so people really can’t hear what i’m listening too until they actually walk into my office. This normally gives me enough time to pause whatever I’m listening to so no one hears Darren say “puss” (grossest word ever). Last Erica I hope your watermelon slushy was good."

This Week's Questions:

  • Anonymous (Female) asks, "My boyfriend told me his fetish last night, and I told him I need to think about it because I don't know if this is a thing or if it's safe. I just keep thinking I'm missing something and this is not going to end well. He rolled it out like he's into glory holes, but a little different. He wants me to get into a box big enough for me to fit, hop in it, somehow close it from the inside, and have a bunch of shipping labels on it so it looks like it was delivered to him. He also wants a hole the size of his p**** cut out of the front. You can probably guess why. But he wants me to keep the cutout piece so I can tape it back on because otherwise it won't look like a complete package. And then when he brings the box inside, with me in it, he wants to get himself hard and then use his p**** to poke the cardboard out and shove it in. So I asked him if I should just have my mouth ready or what, and he said 'surprise me.' Like, with any hole I want like I'm somehow going to get my v***** pressed against the edge of a cardboard box. Okay, just think about that for a second and how impossible that would be. I am so lost as to how he thinks I (or anyone!!!) could do that. Holy crap. So I'm flabbergasted. I just kind of stopped him there and said I needed to think about it. I don't know if he wants to say "special delivery!" when he comes or if he wants to come on the cardboard instead of in my mouth or what. I just am so confused. I am a little scared, and I don't know what to do. I really want to do this for him because I love him but I also just can't believe this is a real thing. Have you heard of a box fetish before? Is it possible he's playing a joke on me? Please give me anything to go on. I am so lost for answers."
  • Jen asks, "My mother-in-law is a hoarder, and she kept my husband's baby clothes and toys for over 30 years. She's now trying to give them to us for our baby. I told her in the past that we didn't want old stuff for our kid, but she keeps doing it. I've just been taking it and putting it away but it's getting out of hand and I'm not sure what to do."
  • Daria asks, "How do you find a way to tell a close friend that they always smell like food? I know someone who deep fries everything and they smell like a generic restaurant air vent and I feel like they should know. What's your advice?"
  • Henry asks, "I'm a gay male in Hollywood. I was having a random hookup with a guy I met online and while I was giving him a b******, he farted... twice! The first time he did, I kept b****** him because, luckily, there was no smell. The second time it happened I stopped because it started making me uncomfortable. It didn't smell either time, so that wasn't a problem. We ended up just laying there for a while and eventually we both decided the night was over. I've hooked up with my share of people and have never encountered this before. Is farting when receiving a b****** common? Should I have not stopped? It may sound selfish, but after the second time, I didn't think I could risk it getting more weird."

Special Segment: Elise Himes, male-to-female transgender and author of The Trans-fer Student

Final Thoughts: Darren tries to sell a Mac Pro to a bro, but fails.