The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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How Moist Is Your Mom?

167: How Moist Is Your Mom?

May 29, 2017 at 12:00PM • 1 hour 21 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about your mother's crabs, mind-fucking your dog, and caper cologne. Questions/comments/whatevers? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit for more options!

Special guest: Paul Shaw (co-host of the upcoming podcast Sex Safari!)

UberRIM is back in business!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Paul takes one for the team at an underground swinger's club.

This Week's Questions:

  • Josh (SM) asks, "i am in love with the aroma of capers. would it be so wrong to wear them as cologne? or ask my girl to perfume her neck in the morning this way? just a little bit goes a long way..."
  • Patrick (27/SM) asks, "My mom got crabs on Sunday and because all her friends are dead and my sister is dead and my dad sells cars in Brazil now I got the call about it. She didn't have STDs when she was young apparently so she doesn't know what to do and thought her son would know and help her because, in her words, "you are a player, Patty." She says she didn't get busy with any boys (again, these are her words, NOT mine). The way she says things it puts weird pictures in my imagination I don't want in there. It's grossing me out in my sleep now. So I was like, "Mom, look, you call the doctor when you get crabs, not your son." She tells me "I didn't call the doctor the first time you got gonorrhea from Stacy in junior high. I was there for you." Yes, mom, you were there for me, but you also called the fucking doctor first. So I told her to get that shampoo and some crotch lotion for after it's done in case she gets dry where the shampoo goes (don't want to think about it, really don't want to think about it). Of course she asks how moist it's supposed to get. Like why the fuck would she not ask that at this point? I don't know, mom, I don't know how moist your groin should be at all times. If it looks like it got cheese grated a little then put the lotion on it. JEEEZUS! She's been like this since my dad left her with no explanation. I just got my first big job about four years ago and he sent me a check for $25,000. I thought it was a congratulations but was like no I can't take this because they don't have that kind of money to give away, so I called up his cellphone and my mom answered in tears. He was just gone. She got a check for twice that much and basically no explanation. Like he didn't write a note that said more than 'sorry but I have to go.' By the way since I found your show I think of Darren just saying 'guys, I gotta go' to my mom and it makes me laugh about it more so you can tell Darren that if he's not around when/if you read this on the podcast. Anyways you know I can't abandon my mom when she's got nobody but I need her to accept some boundaries. It would be awesome too if she got some friends. I tried getting her to go back to bridge club but she says the women are too catty and she won't take a cooking class or anything. She has three favorite movies where romance happens in cooking class and I think they're all Clint Eastwood (I don't know but she loves him) so I found this cooking instructor who looks like Clint Eastwood four miles from her neighborhood but she won't go to him. I think she's afraid of falling in love like that'll happen ever when she thinks she got crabs because she started slummin' it and bought underwear at Walmart. She's always like 'I'll do that after pottery class' which is her way of saying never because I tried to get her to go to pottery class at the Y for a whole fucking year and nadda. She went to school for pottery but dropped out to marry my dad half-way so I was like, mom, you need to get back into that crap. Finish what you started! I found my dad through 123people on the internet a year ago and like I said he's selling cars in Brazil. He might have two girlfriends and seems happy. I found a pic of him with a big fat cigar which my mom would never let him smoke. He wasn't a bad guy so I don't know why he up and left like that. My mom's kind of a crazy person (obviously) but she's a good woman and I never noticed anything wrong. I tried contacting him to tell him I don't want anything from him other than just an explanation and I won't be mad about it or anything but he never answered my emails and I gave up eventually. It's weird because I don't really miss him and just hope he's happy. He seems like it. I sent another email just to ask him to tell me that he's okay and he's happy but I didn't hear back from him on that either. Oh well. That's something I can let go I guess but it's just my mom that's got me confused as all hell right now. I don't need a psychotherapist to tell me she's got boundary issues and all kinds of other dumb problems since she's like pretty much wearing the tee shirt for it but I do need some help on how to make those boundaries not fall over every time she gets crabs or whatever. What do you people do? Richard and Erica have crazy moms, right? What would you do if you were in my shoes here?"
  • Urinary Tract Infection (19/SM) asks, "Like last year I started having these creeping thoughts about fucking my dad's dog. But I totally don't want to fuck her. Suzanne is a black lab and this started happening like two months ago when I was staying at my dad at his cabin on the lake. I got drunk got home and took a shower and passed out buck naked and then woke up in the morning to Suzanne licking on my butt cheeks. She didn't get into the asshole thank God almighty. I didn't get a woody out of it and I don't want to fuck Suzanne or have a threeway with Toby neither (my dad's malamute) but I keep getting those thoughts creeping in and I don't know how to stop it. It's like literally shocking because I think it and then after a second I'm like 'wtf man why?!?!!!!1!11' so I get all tense and jump kind of. What's your take on this guys? Get this shit out of my head PLEASE!"
  • Beethoven (23/SM) asks, "Aloha Awkward Humans!! It's your friend Beethoven! It's so nice to have the time to write you again because I think you all are so swell. After a long two-week discussion with my girlfriend, we both decided to hold off on marriage because we had other priorities for our focus. I have decided to start a jewelry store on Etsy because I made a necklace I really liked and now I am woke to the possibilities. My girlfriend wants to continue doing her science research and asked me to impregnate her which I thought was way more romantic than marriage anyway so of course I said yes—also because I love having sex with her and her vagina. Her mouth is very nice as well. We both decided we'll keep trying until it's a boy because we want to raise a man that doesn't conform to societal standards of masculinity. We want to make the change we want to see in the world, like in your Change Bank commercials. That's enough about me. I just wanted to let you know what I was up to since it has been so long since I've written last. Time sure flies like a mofo. I promised I would compose an essay on the virtues of Transparent for you though so here it is! To the world at large, if you have not seen Amazon's original programming Transparent you have missed out on this century's most heartwarming drama available on any screen. The supreme Jeffrey Tambor gives a stunning and emotionally challenging performance as Maura, a man later in his years experiencing the joys and struggles with transitioning into a beautiful new woman. Transparent tells the story of his flawed children as they struggle to accept their new mother on a road to discovery that she is still the man they always knew but with a full head of hair and charming new attire. It is not only a nuanced exploration of transitioning into one's true gender, but that of a modern American family through humor and heartache. I believe Transparent holds such value due to its ongoing depiction of selfish humans with many unfulfilled desires who are still filled to the brim with love that they just don't know how to give. I love to watch this show because every episode I see each character try to love in the best way they know how. Sometimes they win the day and other times they get egg on their faces but always they try. They always love first. I don't know if the road to hell is paved with good intentions or if they just used leftover fire and brimstone. I like to believe it's paved with bituminous surface treatment because it is a low-traffic road, but I don't work in pavement management. I design jewelry now. I believe good intentions are beautiful acts and Transparent opens a window into how good intentions will always someday lead to more love. It's a rocky road, and not the tasty ice cream kind, but a generous helping of flawed tenderness and acceptance. You can't literally pave a road with good intentions but you can pave a symbolic road into the hearts of the audience with an arresting story chock full of believable characters. Three years ago I opened my heart to Transparent and Jeffrey Tambor consumed it whole. It now beats within him. I have never felt more connected to any television program before and neither has my girlfriend and upcoming mother. It gives us faith in being human and how we are meant to fail and learn from it and learn from each other, too. Such a beautiful idea packaged as an entertainment product should not be overlooked for we rarely have such beauty emerge in popular culture. For every moment you wish the world was a better place I recommend a night with Maura. If you watch and listen, she will cleanse you of your noxious daydreams and awaken you to an imperfect world where we still love each other in the end. Thank you for your time, Awkward Humans. Toodaloo for now! Sincerely, Beethoven"

Special Segment: UberRIM is back in business!

Final Thoughts: "God bless Jeffrey Tambor." - Beethoven

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