The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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Pirates of the Orgasmic Ocean: The Curse of Peg Leg Pauline

164: Pirates of the Orgasmic Ocean: The Curse of Peg Leg Pauline

May 8, 2017 at 6:00PM • 1 hour 15 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about clogging a shared toilet, dildo pirates, and who stole the cookies from the cookie freezer. Want to ask a question on the show? Questions/comments/stories? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Adam introduces himself to Erica for the first time after knowing her since 2008.

This Week's Questions:

  • Mattheyous asks, "Question for whenever you get to it (before June): I have to go to my biennial follow up study at the NIH (National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland). I’ve been doing this shit for (by the time I go to this one) 27 years and 5 months. The problem is my ex is also part of this study. Now I haven’t run into her (that I know of) in the time I’ve been doing it but if I run into at this point it will trigger my anxiety and stress. Sidebar: I recently realized I have anxiety when I found myself washing my hands until they were fucking red. Due to the broken engagement and the health issues that spontaneously occurred after that, I’ve developed this anxiety. And TMJ issues. And spontaneous diarrhea. And she’s one of my triggers. What I really want to do is get the fuck away from her and her witch, overbearing, co-dependent mother of hers as soon as possible but clearly I wouldn’t be able to do that. I also don’t want to talk to them, but if they will be there I’ll be in the same building, same area for food and recreation (The Children’s Inn at NIH), same eating areas…It’ll basically take what little happiness I get out of these visits (which is very little because it’s mostly getting poked and prodded and having a bright light shined into my face whilst told not to blink) and ruin it. There’s also a possibility that that she’ll be at another study that I have to go to in June in Boston (which will help me save my muscles so I can do things like still breath, use my hands…trivial shit like that). What’s the etiquette here? Because I’m the kind of person who won’t pretend to be nice just to avoid confrontation. But I’d also rather not have a bitchy, nice-but-in-a-tone-that-shows-she’s-better-than-you, mother and daughter team in my face and/or have spontaneous stress-induced diarrhea Thanks for the help!"
  • Captain Dong asks, "Ahoy colleagues of the briny sea! I have a dildo quandary for, ye. For it is I, Captain Dong, sex pirate of the orgasmic ocean. Long gone are me days of plunderin' and pillagin' pussy. I have settled for a sassy lassy of the ocean whose love keeps me from Davey Jones' locker. Alas, she has turned the tables on Captain Dong. The lass wants to give this old pirate a taste of his own medicine. In all seriousness you guys I do this character in bed not for fetish reasons but for the role play. I laugh at sex A LOT I just can't be serious. Role play gives me something funny to do so I don't giggle with every pump. It's not sex hearing a giggle like from a little girl into a muffled pussy or pump pump pump ha ha ha. My girl is into it and all but she wants to do it back to me. I got other characters instead of just Captain Dong however the pirate theme shivers her timbers more than the others if you get me. She made a character she calls Peg Leg Pauline and I think you can guess her modus operandi. As I said I like the role playing but not the fetish. I got into Captain Dong because I don't have a giant dong so my dildo hand (instead of a hook, got it?) makes me any size my lady wants. That doesn't mean Captain Dong wants to get peg legged you know? She doesn't totally get that and I don't know how to explain it to her. Hopefully you do."
  • Gale (SF) asks, "We're waaaaay past girl scout cookie season but that's sorta the problem I got here. Those cookies are my weakness (my man's too). We order bunches every girl scout season and freeze half of them for the rest of the year. I know you can get the regular kind that the girl scouts don't make but they just don't taste the same to us. Maybe it's the same shit I dunno it's just there's no magic in it for a reason. Girl scout cookies are crazy special. It's like if I don't gotta wait or do the work then why bother. We got home one day and our frozen stash was gone almost all of it. Somebody robbed us for the cookies but didn't break locks or do nothing else. Just took cookies which makes me and my man (Jason) think it was one of us. I know it wasn't me (duh) but I dunno if he did it or not. I gotta think it was him or like someone else who got the key from us which leaves his brother Craig or my cousin Natalie. Natalie don't eat so I don't think she stole the cookies and his brother's a fat ass but Craig don't like sugar not one bit. Until the girl scouts make a bacon cookie he ain't gonna eat none. We got this problem now that's causing relationship tension everywhere we go. There's no trust between me and my man. Jason don't have trust for me and it goes both ways kinda. Like we love each other cause it's been four years but we got doubts now over some damn cookies. Like I know this shit's dumb as fuck but what we gonna do about it? Somebody gotta solve the mystery or tell me how to trust my man again."
  • Poop Girl (F) asks, "I have suitemate problems. So I transferred to a new college this school year, which means that I have to find housing later than everybody else. Luckily, the school found me an on-campus building that had a vacancy. However, I found out that there was actually a miscommunication with the school, and my (future) roommate was actually supposed to room with her best friend. But because the school fucked up, I was going to be her roommate instead. I didn't really care because I really needed somewhere to live, but this sets the stage for a really tense and awkward living situation. It turns out that I had intruded into a group of friends living together, so from the start, I was the odd one out. I tried to reach out to my roommate (and to the rest of suitemates as well) at the beginning of the school year, but my roommate basically decided she was never going to talk to me, so we're not on speaking terms. After hearing the rest of my suitemates talk about another suitemate behind her back, I decided that they weren't people I wanted to be with, so I pretty much stopped trying to be friends with them as well. So now at this point, everybody ignores me besides the occasional snarky comment, and I'm okay with that for the most part. However, I have the issue that I always clog the toilet in our suite. I know my poops can be unusually large, but the toilet in our suite is also just super weak. At the beginning, I wouldn't notice that I had clogged the toilet because I like to put the toilet seat down when I flush (for hygienic reasons). So one of my suitemates would discover that I had clogged the toilet, but since I would normally be out of the suite by the time they discovered it, they would be forced to deal with it themselves. I realized this was a problem, so I stopped putting the toilet seat cover down when I flush and I check to make sure that everything goes down. This seemed to work, because the next time I clogged the toilet, I realized that I had and managed to unclog it myself. I also tried other tactics, like just avoiding using our suite's bathroom altogether and purposely walking to a bathroom in another building. I would also try to squeeze my poop into smaller chunks, which is super uncomfortable and sometimes makes me bleed but I do it anyways out of respect for my suitemates. However, just a few days ago, I clogged the bathroom again but this time I really had no idea that I did. I broke my poop into smaller chunks so I was bleeding out of my ass hole, I watched all the poop go down the drain, so I thought it seemed okay. But when I woke up the next morning, my suitemate had sent an angry text over our suite group chat, saying that she had to call campus police to deal with it at 3am and that I should "take more responsibility." First of all, she wouldn't have to deal with it at 3am if she didn't have such an erratic sleeping schedule, and she could have woken me up if she didn't want to deal with it. Second of all, I do take fucking responsibility – I bleed out of my butt for gods sake. I was really hurt that she accused me of not taking responsibility when I do so much to accommodate them and they don't even realize it. But I know that I shouldn't stoop to her level and that I would create more drama if I reacted emotionally, so I sent a super fake text back about how I was "sooo sorry" and explaining that I'm already trying my best. I even tried to apologize to her in person, but she wouldn't even look me in the eye (rude!). But yeah, I was really affected by this and I cried half the day. Now, I feel unwelcome in my own fucking home and the situation between me and my suitemates are more awkward and tense than ever. While I think my suitemates are fucking bitches and I want to avoid them completely, that's not possible. What can I do about my pooping situation? How can I make sure that I don't clog the toilet again? And how can I make my living situation better at this point when I secretly hate my suitemates?"

Special Segment: The Awkward Humans debut their new music video collaboration with BB(B) and the internet, Goth Cake (MP3 available here)

Final Thoughts: Don't forget to watch Goth Cake!

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