The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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Facials Are All Fun and Games Until Somebody Cums in an Eyeball

163: Facials Are All Fun and Games Until Somebody Cums in an Eyeball

May 1, 2017 at 6:15PM • 1 hour 25 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about nazi cakes, unknown names, complicated lies, and the science of eyeball cum. Comments/questions/stories? Call or text us at 509-AWKWARD or email at

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: LaToya's first time going down and Stewart shares a casting embarrassment.

This Week's Questions:

  • Mattheyous asks, "Voicemail"
  • BB (Bisexual Bridesmaid Blues) asks, "The wedding is over, so I thought I should write back in and update you all. This is kind of an anti-climactic end to the story, because it ended up all going really well. The bride and groom were really relaxed and nice to everyone, there was enough food, and I didn't have to do any last minute or unexpected chores. Well, I did have to help clear up at the end of the night, but not too much and the bride and groom were pitching in too, so it didn't bother me. With it all turning out fine, I now feel bad for complaining about them so much before. I was stressed out, and going by some of their previous actions I guess I did have a reason to be worrying, but I'm really happy to have been proven wrong. I've attached a picture of the cake (which also ended up looking better than I expected). Although I don't think I'm ok with you posting the picture, I'm happy for you to post an artist's interpretation of it like Adam suggested in the episode with my follow up email.  Thanks again for your help and advice. Even though it all went fine, I still really appreciated your feedback when I was going through a stressful time with it."
  • Torrey (17/F) asks, "Hello, guys, I am a 17-year-old girl, and I have a question about a situation which has bugged me for awhile. This is my 4th year in our school's drum line (four years on the tenor drum), and we have recently gotten a new drum line instructor. We have been having practice since January, and he is actually not bad as an instructor, I only have one real complaint. I have been on the line for a while, and he still hasn't learned my name. He knows all the names of the people on snare line, and the name of the girl younger than me (this is her first time on tenor). I am aware that it is unfair to assume that just because I've been on the line for a while, this new guy would automatically know my name, but I would think that he would know it by now. My question is how should I tell him my name and how it annoys me when he just says 'you' when he wants to talk to me? I want to try my best to avoid confrontation because he is an instructor, not a peer, and would like to maintain some respect (I get ticked off very easily). How would I go about doing this? Thank you so much and I really love your show. It's really fun to listen to on walks. Thank you again!"
  • Noelle (17/PF) asks, "What happens if you get cum in your bloodstream? Why does it matter if it gets in your eye??"
  • Natalie (29/SF) asks, "I put myself in a pickle and I hope to the ends of the earth that you can weed me out of it. Can't say this isn't a confessional. I dunno but it's surely that and if you can advise also please advise. Great? So here we go. Probably I'll just tell you how we met and that'll just get you there. I am in love with Nate. We met at a dinosaur costume contest/networking event six years ago in February. We live in a cold place so the dinosaur costume was to keep people warm but also break down some of those social barriers. You didn't have to buy a dinosaur costume either it was included in the ticket price. It was a $45 affair but you got the costume, admission, two margaritas (they ran out of ice but I got there early so no prob), and a notepad. Pens were free but only if you needed a pen. It was a good deal and they took care of you so you could meet people all funny-like and you get it (the idea that is). Nate's the kinda guy who made his costume and was a triceratops but he just made a hat from scratch (that is to say on a sewing machine with fabrics and things) but had a wet suit kinda outfit that was printed on digitally (or maybe he said thermally?) but it was just like dinosaur skin. He kinda looked like a human wearing a triceratops is what I'm meaning and it was pretty adorable. I go and introduce myself because I gotsta know how he did his dinosaur jumpsuit and we get to talking. He gets into his work because that's what you do at these things (just general mixing and networking you know) and he is a juice guy. It's a local juice company but they're all over the city, so if you're up on Portland stuff I bet you know which. He founded the company with his friend and signed up for the networking event to meet some peeps that do the things they don't do. They do juice, push limits, and Nate's kinda into kite surfing, so they were up for finding marketing peeps, PR peeps, and design peeps. I chime in "oh cool, I'm a designer" and tell him how I'm just out of school but have been doing it for a year and change since graduation with my friend Stephanie. It was just like Nate and his friend so obviously it was fate. He thought so and he hired me to do a lot of their design stuff. We worked together for about two years before I finally got the confidence to ask him out. He said no at first and I was really sad. I cried for probably four hours. You gotta know I had a crush on him this whole time and beyond so this hurt a lot. It built up! Then he just shows up at my door with some flowers and wants to talk so we do and he just got nervous or something and said no right way because he didn't want to skunk up the works. I got all cleaned up but he know I was crying and hugged me. We went on a date basically and then four years passed and here we are. He proposed marriage! I told him I needed to think about it some even though I really wanted to say yes. I mean I said yes but I said yes but ask me in a week because I'm so excited I just want to be sure. This was like a day and a half ago so please answer this question before Monday! I'm 29 and a woman by the way I forgot to mention. OK got some nerves here! You know how I said I was a designer and stuff? I'm not. I just blurted that out before I knew what I was saying at the networking event and it was just a lot of dominos after that little fib. Do you ever feel like you know something is wrong but you just have got to do it anyhow? I kinda didn't even think about it until weeks after and by then I had an LLC registered and had done some logo comps for his company. I mean, I didn't but Steph did except Steph isn't really my BFF but an exchange student that lived with my family when I was a high school junior. She is actually named Nassim and is also not a designer but he did get my sister pregnant while he was in our house and I helped him make her get an abortion basically. Please try not to judge me so much right now because this gets worse and I was also in high school. I just helped how I thought I could. Nassim lives near Dallas now and owns a tobacco shop outside of a rodeo stadium so he's set for life (it’s big business there, those two things that is). He’s got nothing going on since he just pays to have the cash register operated at the shop and sits in the back doing whatever boys do in back offices. He says it like “I don’t work, I own.” He thinks this is badass. Anywho, I quasi-blackmailed him into doing design for me by bringing up the abortion. His family almost made him go back home but he wanted to stay in the US and got hooked up with citizenship through some way I dared not ask for details about. His mother would flip her lid if she knew about the thing with my sister plus he still not so secretly desires my sister. She’s a cutie patootie. They email more than I use the toilet and I have IBS (sorry TMI?). I’m saying that if the abortion got out that door that’s just sorta open would get locked and then dumped in the ocean so he does not want that to happen. I used it to get him to design because even if he doesn’t design he is a resourceful boy like you wouldn’t believe and he totally came through. He got some freelancers to do it on the DL and Nate was so impressed by the work and how fast it happened. Nassim gets half the money and I pay all the costs so don’t feel so bad for him. The blackmail was just for some motivation but it turned out well for him but not for me. See now I had to keep this lie going for six years and so I just... did that? It sounds like a dream when I think or talk about it because I mean I just made it up but now it exists. I have a real design firm with employees and Nassim is one of those guys who can just say anything and sounds like he means it and also knows what he’s talking about even if he has no clue at all. He got me clients through this or that. Now we get referrals a lot and I kinda know what I’m talking about. I just feel like I’m a fraud all the time even if I actually get the work done. I have a degree in theater and was gonna be an actress so my friends were kinda like what’s going on with Natalie when this all went down. Half went to the big apple and the other half just did local jobs or failed at that and got into bookkeeping (one of them does my books but isn’t that so weird that most of my friends became accountants but all went for arts degrees?). Nate didn’t meet them for at least a year if not more and I don’t have a lot of friends anyway so by then nobody was asking questions anymore. I just don’t know if can I marry him with this lie on my back? I want to and I love him. Everything else about us is true I think. I just see my life now and always think like who’s life is this? Is this me Natalie or did I just imagine myself and it’s all a dream? I try to think about all of this and the only words I got are golly gee whiz because who does something like this? I thought I was a feminist but I changed my whole life for a man in a dinosaur suit. I don’t regret it neither. 100% worth it all the way. I think you’re gonna say just shut up it’s fine you’re not so bad Natalie, you just made a bad decision and there’s no point of owning up to it now. I don’t want to hurt him and make him not trust me and I swear to the flying spaghetti monster, my mother’s unfilled grave, or how ever many babies Nate puts in me (and I don’t miscarry) that I never meant to be a bad girl. It was all with good intentions. I mean I think it was but can you have an intention if you just did something by accident? I guess my intention was to tell him but then it worked out so it didn’t matter. Like in the first year we didn’t talk for awhile after we finished the logos and some other things but then he sent me these really sweet texts about working with me and I swooned. I actually did more design right after him too because Nassim got into it and Nate talked us up with other people he met at the networking event. Now you have my confession. What’s my punishment?"
  • Awkward Female (37/SF) asks, "Dear Fellow Awkward Humans, I'm a 37 year old, straight female, and I've always been socially awkward, and particularly insecure towards men. It wasn't until I was 32 that I got into a sexual / romantic relationship with a man (he was then 42); it only lasted 2 months, and he was a guy I really appreciated as a person, and at the age of 32 I finally first had sex. I loved the feeling of having intercourse, but during the 2 months we were together, it became clear that we weren't in sync sexually. What I craved for, and stimulated me the most was straight-up P-i-V intercourse, but whenever we did that, he would lose his erection within about a minute. What he preferred instead, was giving me oral sex. Getting oral sex however, didn't do anything at all for me; a tongue on / over my clit just doesn't stimulate me enough. He insisted on giving me oral even after I had expressed my doubts about it doing anything for me; when it became clear that I wouldn't orgasm from it (and he really did his best), he insisted all women love getting oral and climax from it, so why couldn't I? I tried to explain I need more stimulation. Even though I have been a virgin until 32 years old, I've been masturbating from when I was 18; just simple clitoral stimulation with my hands (I've never even used sex toys or such). I guided his hands over my clit to show him what stimulates me, but the way he touched me still was way too soft / feathery; I needed more pressure. When I said that to him and tried to guide his hands / touch, he said that it was strange how much pressure I needed for a touch because other women wanted to be touched much more softly. That really put me off and made me insecure - I got the feeling that I was being compared with all the women he had had sex with before me, and he was calling me out on different preferences in physical stimulation; but that is not something I have control over, nor over the fact that I didn't become sexually experienced until relatively lately in life. Also, to be frank, I felt bad about the fact that he couldn't stay hard when having P-i-V intercourse with me; he always said it hadn't anything to do with me but that it was wearing condoms that decreased his sensibility (we both were mutually and equally insistent on using condoms, as that was our only birth control). We soon broke up because we were sexually incompatible. Now it is about 5 years later, and in the meantime I've gone through a lot of stuff, including that I was diagnosed with having autism spectrum disorder. That at least explains something, as people with autism are known to react different to touch - many are notoriously too sensitive to touch, but some are actually *less* sensitive to touch and need firmer touch to get the same stimulation; and in hindsight, I think I'm clearly of the latter category (at least sexually) and that explains a lot. Anyway, the point is: I am now 37, would like to have a sexual / romantic relationship with a guy again, and am considering internet dating. But I'm terrified of dealing with the initial physically-getting-to-know-each-other phase. Is it normal for a guy to judge a woman for every physical preference she has, against all his former women he had sex with? Because I found that very awkward and off-putting. And, every advice is always "show your sex partner physically what you want physically!" but after my last experience, I've gotten insecure about both telling and showing possible future sex partners how I'd best be stimulated physically, because it backfired. How to tell a possible future partner things like: oral stimulation doesn't do anything for me but I rather enjoy P-i-V; and: I really love it if you use your dick / hands like this [showing physically]?"

Special Segment: LaToya Lee shares her book and Stewart Wade shares his new film (see links for more info)

Final Thoughts: If you had to have fruit growing out of your armpit, what fruit would it be? Mariah Carey prefers blueberries, but nobody knows why. Are you like Mariah, or do you have a different fruit preference? Share your #pitfruitpreference with the world!

Related Links:

  • I WAXED MY PUBIC HAIR FOR THIS?: A girl's journey to womanhood, one mishap at a time: LaToya's book! "Two thousand years ago, making it to your thirties was a rare accomplishment. Now, it's simply a painful rite of passage. Along the way there are failed friendships, fights with your parents, religious explorations, and of course, the inevitable discovery of masturbation. This book chronicles my experiences with all of those and more, traversing from my earliest memories into my present day life, which excruciatingly hilarious detail. Hopefully this book makes you laugh, makes you think, and maybe, makes you remember a simpler time."
  • Say Yes, a Feature Film by Stewart Wade: SAY YES is a feature film about a young woman who realizes she is dying and tries to ensure that her husband and beloved brother continue on after her death as a romantic couple.
  • Erica's drawing of the goth wedding cake