The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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Cumming Between Friends

162: Cumming Between Friends

April 24, 2017 at 5:45PM • 1 hour 15 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about the cost of affluence, asexual discovery, and putting your best friend in your spank bank. Want to ask a question on the show? Questions/comments/stories/whatevers? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit

Guest: Malcolm Kellner

Want to never eat again because food is evil? Ask your doctor about Anorexicil today!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Malcolm thought he was going to eat a brownie, but it wasn't a brownie.

This Week's Questions:

  • Topaz asks, "Hi i am a straight female age 35 and have been married 12 years. Sex with my wonderful husband or exes has always been meh. Now I strongly suspect I am asexual. I'd prefer never to have sex again, except cunnilingus. How can I ensure my husband doesn't leave me or get a mistress? We can't live without each other emotionally. i love your podcast."
  • Brian (25/SM) asks, "Aloha coworkers: I got a dilemma for your attention if you want. I got this girl and we've been at it for 10 months. I love her to death and would die for this bitch (haha). It was my birthday last week and we got to talking about our futures and it was baller. She wants to move in together. I got this sweet pad but I'd lose it for her, serious. She's all down but wants to really got to know us like as a couple before we drop down on a lease and whatnot. I'm like yeah that's dope and we talk some secrets and it's all good. Later she says I can ask her anything now like it's a free pass. I got a free pass from girls before and you ask them anything and it's bitch city (like in the bad way/not like earlier). Now it's got me all wired up thinking about what ifs and what she gonna do if I ask her the wrong thing. I guess what I need to know about here is if she is gonna freak on me or not if I cross that line and where the line gets crossed. Can I ask her a certain way? Like let's say I wanna suck her toes or something (I don't I swear no offense to foot fetishizers and whatnot) is that too much to just go out and ask about-like honey you wanna get your toes sucked? It's got me all messed up worrying about what to say and not because I got myself into some trouble once asking about anal this way and another time with a hot dog contest but that's a long story so I'm not gonna go there. Just if you got some ideas your man Brian needs to hear em. Please and thank you. :D"
  • Anonymous (17/SM) asks, "Hello co-workers. So, im a straight, 17 year old male and have wrote in before but I'd prefer to stay anonymous right now. My girlfriend isn't very sexually active and I've become further away from her and closer to my hands if you know what I mean. Like I know masturbating isn't that bad, but there's's over pictures of my best friend. I really find my best friend equally attractive to my girlfriend but I don't know what to do. This is a very very very weird thing to ask advise for but I've been listening since about episode 40 so I know your great at advise."
  • Elise (SF/26) asks, "I was with the sweetest, caring, motivated man..........and then he got rich by selling a popular web site (not going to name names here sorry). We used to work at home together on the couch. He'd help me with my transcription (that's what I do and some freelance design) and get me a coffee sometimes. I'd remind him of things he'd forget. We would help each other do our work right? Now he's out leasing cars and buying clothes he looks really stupid in because it's not really him.....ugh. So anyway I miss the old him before his behavior was all about showing off what he could buy and disrepecting everyone like me and his family. So he's not nice anymore but if this is probably a phase I don't want to break up with him. We've been doing this for four years and I thought marriage was around the corner except now.....obviously........don't want to marry this person whatever it is. He's not gooing to get stuck this way is he? He's got some millions now and he wants to move us to a nicer place but I don't want to get stuck in all that wondering if I'll be hating on him forever and ever. He says that he loves his life now but I am not loving it. Not even a little. I want my boyfriend back. Is he coming back? Can I get him back? I don't know if hope is what I should do or if he's a rich dick forever now......... Thanks!!"

Special Segment: Not today!

Final Thoughts: Sometimes when you think you're alone and you're naked, someone can see everything.