The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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Chest Humping

161: Chest Humping

April 16, 2017 at 5:00PM • 1 hour 17 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about mixed signals, dating leagues, and chest humping. Questions/comments/stories/whatevers? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit!

Did you miss Second Hand Dildos last week?

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Maya attempts to pay for porn.

This Week's Questions:

  • Caleb (26/GM) asks, "OK dudes and ladies of the awkward persuasian: tell me how to do this. This is a little gay Thai boy writing to ya with a standard issue cock that likes to fuck titties. Not just any titties but muscle man titties. I wanna lube up and slide my dick through hard and hairless chest beef so these dudes gotta be buff as fuck. I get on all these sites and start my game. You got no shortage of pussy muscle fags online looking for a good titty fuck but they want it from some massive jock with a giant cock not some skinny Asian twinkle. Like I think damn, if they want domination then shit they should get it from a little guy cuz what’s the point of being dominated if not to be overpowered? Ain’t that better with a little guy? If I can dominate then I’m a badass bitch beyond the aggro muscle tops. But then I gotta put on my salesman cap and be like ‘I know you what that eggplant Muscletown but I don’t got that—something better! I got a baby pickle from the boneyard that can do things ya wouldn’t believe!” Like what muscled up bottom fag wants to say that or hear that? I tried and it works sometimes but auuggggh I gotta strike out A LOT to get what I want! Tell me you got an easier way to fuck some jock titties with my fine-not-ginormous cock."
  • HELP asks, "Im really awkward and i'm dating this guy that's out of my league, i want to hold his hand and hug him and all that but he doesn't seem like the type to do that, and i'm too awkward to make any moves What do i do???"
  • Anonymous (17/GF) asks, "Hi everyone love the show, it's great. Okay so I'm 17 (junior in high school omg high school sucks so much) and gay and female. Okay so there's this girl right and we met on a dating app for the gays as one does in this day and age, but we only live fifteen minutes from each other so no big deal. (side note: omg adam and richard, you two are the cutest couple ever). Anyways so we went on 6 or 7 dates (one day we met up twice so idk if that counts as two separate or just one date) and we have never kissed. Likeeee I brought it up after the fourth date I was like lol you should kiss me. She was all "I'm old fashioned I want to wait for a good moment so it means something" and I'm like okay cute whatever. EXCEPT 7 DATES WENT BY AND SHE DID NOT KISS ME. AND YES I TRIED TO KISS HER. SHE DECLINED. and there were totally great romantic moments where she could have, instead she just left me there feeling stupid. So then we were supposed to do something last weekend but she would just ignore me when I asked if she wanted to get together. Then we had plans to do something in the morning on good friday and she "slept in" until she knew I had started my shift. Soooo then she didn't text me until like Saturday afternoon, when she said that she knows why she hasn't kissed me yet, it's because she's still into her ex. Okay so this is what she's told me about her ex: they never dated or anything they literally just made out in the other girl's house whenever she was home alone. Neither of them were out at the time. Um so much for old fashioned? Idk what to make of this. I'm prob just being really dumb but hey at least you can laugh at me and call me dumb like you do to everyone lol.  So she also said she really wants to stay friends, and she thinks I'm great and it's nothing I did. I asked her if she's going to get back with that girl and she said "idk, probably not, I'm just trying to get over her."  Like I just want to know what to do here. Should I continue being friends with her in hopes of her getting over her ex and then dating me? Also she's leaving to go into the navy in august, but like I'm cool with ending it in august I'm just looking for a casual summer thing, and she really is nice and fun and stuff and it's SO HARD FINDING A NORMAL GAY GIRL AT 17 LIKE OMG I COULD RANT ABOUT IT FOR HOURS. so like I'd prefer not to have to start over and try to find someone else to bake cookies for and kiss.  Okay I hope I entertained you although I prob didn't lol. Love you all and thanks for whatever help you can give!"
  • Richard (31/SM) asks, "Aloha my podcast friends. I put myself in an awkward situation that could be in my head or not, who can say? Let’s hope you. I got married when I was 24 (now I’m 31) to a woman I met in college. Beautiful, kind, non-judgmental, always nice to be with. Dumb? Not quite, but not my intellectual equal and the gap widens day by day. I don’t mean my words as a derogatory statement or to pass judgment. I love her and is not so obtuse that she exasperates me or acts illogically. I have an intellect beyond hers and I continue to learn whereas she does not. I feel we have less to discuss day by day. She politely listens and shows interest but only for my sake, or so it seems. How would you recommend approaching these circumstances? Should I accept our growing differences or may I be in a position where we are growing apart and what I need can no longer be met by a woman of her knowledge?"

Special Segment: Not today!

Final Thoughts: Love your life, because if you don't NO ONE WILL. NOBODY WILL LOVE IT.

Related Links:

  • Lucie Makes Porn: As Lucie puts it: "Why reduce sex to a mechanical act? Real pleasure, empowered women, natural bodies, men who are not machines... THIS is what I want to see in porn. Hi, I’m Lucie Blush. I’m a 28-year-old French porn director, actress, and writer, based in Berlin. Here, you will find a growing number of ethical, feminist porn films that steer away from stereotypes and offer a fun, natural, authentic vibe to porn. Because we all deserve a better, more sex positive porn!"