The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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Renette Tubwegger

153: Renette Tubwegger

February 20, 2017 at 1:00AM • 1 hour 14 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking clogging toilets, Beethoven's second message, and closure. And Darren's back! Questions/comments/stories/whatevers? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit :)

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Mr. Tennis almost gets fingered by a sexy nurse and live texts each and every moment along the way.

This Week's Questions:

  • Matt M asks, "I'm a little behind on the podcast and just reached the klegman ransom episode. Do you guys still need or want someone to send in a rough blowjob noise? And would you want me to make them with just my mouth or should I record myself sucking a dick/dildo? "
  • Smoggies asks, "Hi, A few things: Knock knock, who's there? Darren. Daren who? That's right! Where the aloha is Darren?! He rarely comes to the podcast . Is he too good for the show now? Do I have to listen to Super Charged to get my Darren fix????? That's OK, I feel like Richard has stepped up to the plate and has taken the crown as the most audacious person on AHSG. Maybe we should challenge Darren to do 30 AHSG shows in a row... can he do it???? I love Richard now and forever. Erica is always a delight to listen to as well. As a long time listener I feel like I've gone through so much with you. From your single days asking people in bars if they are Vitamin U deficient, to meeting your bf and finally moving in with him. I can't wait to hear more of your stories. Adam, you're a breath of fresh. I love you too. I'd like to hear any awkward running stories you have. Have you ever chaffed while running? Have you done a marathon. Also, whatever happened to that guest you had that totally had a boner for his girl roommate. You know, the one that originally had a crazy roommate that hated their new girl roommate that was a snowboarder/model and then moved out? Whatever happened to him? Did he ever hook up with the snowboarder chick? Finally, please provide me with a good trick to grammatically know when to use effect and affect when I'm writing things out to people. Thank you for your time.
    What I have to say to Darren is this: I miss you. I feel like you left the podcast and didn't look back. I hope you are well. I'm happy to hear you are doing great things, but I do hope you think about us listeners. You started so much such as: 'aloha' and 'coworkers of the world.' My hope is that we get to hear more brilliant things from you and the rest of the group. I was mad when I wrote my previous message, but now I'm just bummed out. I don't know if anyone else misses you...but I do. I miss you. Alright, that's all I have to say. I have to go now and look and steal precious coral from these people called the Sun Tots so that I can look young and fresh. Here's my music video. I'm the one in red."
  • Beethoven (22/SM) asks, "Dear everyone, Thank you kindly for answering my question last week but I’ve a few notes—pun intended! One, I agree the D stands for dumbass. My oh my I did not see that for so many years! I feel very dumb and like an ass but it’s a good feel because I learned something. Two, I would like to correct Erica. I did not Netflix and Chill. I would never. I Amazon Primed and Chill. I would always. I am starting a trend because of the national treasure known as Transparent. How have you all missed the beauty in this series? Jeffrey Tambor is basically my mom. It’s like passing through heaven for 30 full and rich minutes of euphoric sociology. List the reasons you do not like the show and I will refute them in an essay. Three, I’m very sorry I forgot to tell you about my girlfriend and all the good parts about her. She is Jeffrey Tambor’s fever dream. Her passion is off the charts. She is what they mean when they turn it up to 11. I know you like photos but I respect her privacy (even though she did not respect mine I will not embrace hypocrisy) but if you imagine a young Harriet Tubman morphed with Empire Records-era Rene Zellweger you have seen my girlfriend. Also you should note that I said I want to marry her some day SOMEDAY and to paraphrase Rachel Evan Leigh in West World paraphrasing Tom Cruise in Knight and Day paraphrasing the Creedence Clearwater Revival song, someday is often just another word for never. I do want to marry her and hope I do someday but I have not made a decision and that means it will not happen until I change my mind. That means I will never marry her until I change my mind to propose and even then she has to accept (but she probably will do that because she is collecting my personal biome in jars). I won’t break up with her though unless I have to. I know she seems crazy to you but there’s this thing that you do that irks me and it’s voting against love! Although occasionally Adam. I think maybe he gets it but I’m not so sure about the rest of you. You tell stories about people who fall in love and want to share it ‘obnoxiously’ and you think they are irresponsible like love is a dangerous street drug like crystal methamphetamines. Love is a wonderful feelgood thing like Transparent with ups and downs and merrigorounds. Why not always try to fight for the best in someone? I will watch out for number one but that has to mean voting yes on love. I got together with my GF like you wanted and talked to her about the jar. Now I know there are more jars. She was collecting them for her psychology thesis. There are seven jars and she wrote the puns on them because she thought I would find it delightful and she was right because she is amazing. Love. Her thesis is on personhood and what makes up a person so part of it is collecting jars of people stuff to show that a person is not parts of a person or something. She is a lot smarter than me in science so I don’t totally get it and that’s why the whole confusion. She told me about the thesis four months ago but she can not explain things so good when she’s sciencing. She told me about the personhood thesis and that she was going to make samples of things that make a person. She said at school she has part of a brain too. All the other jars I didn’t see are at her school in a refrigerator so she is using a refrigerator! She asked me back when she told me about it if I would help her with the project and obviously I said yes but then I forgot. So I thought she was trying to clone me because she asked for help and I said I would love to and then I thought nothing happened. What really happed was I was helping her this whole time but had no idea and she just thought I had an idea. I just did not get it and she said she was sorry anyway for not explaining it to me the right way. It’s all fine now and I had just trimmed my pubes so we started the next jar together. Thank you for helping me in your way and I look forward to showing you how to love Transparent very soon. Sincerely, Beethoven"
  • Chrissy asks, "I accidentally clogged the toilet at school because I poured my lunch in there. It was noodles and some ribs. I didn't feel like eating it but I didn't want to make my mom mad at me for not eating it. So I poured it into the toilet. I flushed it and the water kept rising up. I told the janitor and she said ok. Now the toilet is broken. I also just told my parents that I barfed and used too much toilet paper. What do I do? Will I get suspended or expelled? I did it accidentally. The ribs were also tiny ribs not like big ones."
  • Nathan (26/SM) asks, "Aloha guys. 1st off i want to say i love the show, i've been listening from the beginning and I'm just past the 1st year episode (44). So no spoilers please (darren I'm talking to you). I'm a straight male, 26, (and because where I am in the podcast Darren is complaining about anonymous questions), my name is Nathan. Sorry for how long this is. Feel free to cut it down. I recently got engaged to my girlfriend of 8 years and im very happy, love her completely and dont want to lose her. My problem is that for some reason i develop a crush on any woman of similar age that i have semi/regular contact with. half the time when i first meet them i have no physical attraction to them but when we get talking i always seem to get emotionally attracted to some part of their personality. This has been going on the whole time ive been with my girlfriend and most of the time i just mentally acknowledge it and try to put some space between me and them until it passes. One time a few years back it happened with a lesbian so i think in my head i kinda thought nothing can happen so i didnt distance myself and kinda flirted with her (my gf has told me i naturally flirt with all girls without me noticing im doing it). A few weeks after meeting her ahe txt me, it turns out she had feelings for me and she was really upset and confused because she wasnt sure of her sexuality anymore (im not bragging), she asked me to meet up to help. I shouldnt have but i did. Nothing happened between us but it did make me really unsure about my relationship. Not long after my contact at the place we both worked ran out and i left. Without seeing her as much the confusion quickly subsided and i went back to my happy life with my gf feeling a bit stupid for even thinking that i would be happier with anyone else, she just completes me. Flash forward to 2 years ago when i started my current job. A few people started the same time and we all became friends, we spend our lunches together playing cards and talking and occasionally go to the pub after work. The issue is that there is 1 girl in this group, i see her almost every work day, and boy has the crush hit. Its been there for almost a year and a half now but i cant just stop seeing her beacuse our group is really tight and i dont have that many other friends at work. I dont wanna stop hanging out with my mates but i cant make the weird crush go away, it usually dies down but it hasnt. It also hasnt grown past a crush, i cant ever see me wanting to leave my partner over this. How do i make this stop? Can i do something to stop this happening with other women in future? And is this somthing anyone else has heard of coz i feel like a freak for always crushing on any girl that stops long enough to have a conversation with me. Let me know if you answer this and what episode it will be in as i want to know your response but dont want to wait till im caught up to live on the podcast to hear it. Thanks so much if you answer this. (Not so much if you don't.)"
  • Anonymous asks, "How many fingers are there in the universe?"

Special Segment: Darren's back, so, let's go with that!

Final Thoughts: Breast augmentation needs to get more creative. Why stop at larger boops? Why not add some extra boops, are change the shapes? Let's make this less about conforming and more about artistry of the body.

Related Links:

  • Affect vs. Effect: Affect and effect are easy to mix up. Here’s the short version of how to use the right word.