The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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152: Guccirrhea

February 13, 2017 at 4:00AM • 1 hour 3 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about designer diarrhea, semen allergies, and global warming porn. If you've got something to ask or say, call/text us at 509-AWKWARD or visit!

Special Guest: Anayat

Adam & Eve! Support the show and buy an item at 50% and get a free romance kit. Enter code HUMAN at checkout for the discount.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Adam accidentally fingers a cat, and Erica has a nightmare about the same cat. So it's like Adam fingered her dreams.

This Week's Questions:

  • Mattheyous asks, "Re: a group who chooses emoji: they actually are chosen by the Unicode Consortium. They're not standardized via the same group. They probably should do that though. Re: duck analogy for twins sex: You know that ducks have corkscew penises and booby trapped vaginas right? Also when I saw the program about these particular twins how sex works was the first thing I thought of! I'm glad I'm not alone."
  • Miles (20/GM) asks, "I took a shit where it didn't belong. You guys want to hear about it, donchya? Don't you dare break the chain, Jerry Seinfeld! I see you, cocksucker. (It's okay I'm a cocksucker too.) My name is Miles and I diarrhea'd in a Gucci handbag. My mom got it for me for Christmas last season because I fucking rock at life (straight As, first semester of Junior year pre-med, gonna be the next Doogie Howser. That bitch turned out gay too. I'm not gonna waste your time. I enema'd before leaving for my asshole's appointment to swallow some cock and maybe it all didn't come out until I was on the T and had to make a choice: do I shit on the second grade Asian girl standing behind me, on the floor with all the peeps, or do one for humanity and shit my fucking Gucci motherfucking handbag? Why am I such a goddamn Mother Teresa? TELL ME! Oh gawd, I need anotha enema. I stop at a Starbucks, wash the bag out, wash my asshole out, get to my hookup a little late but he still drops a load (in a condom don't worry I'm not doing syphilis again I know that shit sucks), go home, smell the bag, it smells like like cowboy masala and so I toss some charcoal in it, light a vanilla candle, and go drop acid a think tank in Dorchester. It was sweet. The entire affair was catered by robots. I meet this bell jar bitch who cracks me up cause everything out of her mouth is like Plath up the wazoo and I probably told her I was selling my handbag cause you know the acid, so she wants it and I’m like $8,000. It belonged to Donald Trump’s third favorite Russian pisswhore before she traded it to my kickass mom for her weight in meth. My mom is kickass but she ain’t no drug dealer unless that drug is Will Smith DVDs if you know what I’m sayin. All lies but listen this is me sober right now, so again I want to remind you of the acid. It’s nature’s orgasm! I take Bell Jar home with me, blow out the vanilla candle, dump out the charcoal, grab the handbag, and take it to the foyer (pronounce that R and I cut you mofo). She looks it over, looks inside. I know she’s smelling my ass. She’s like what did the hooker do to it? It smells like fresh baked chocolate chip cookies but if the chocolate chips were shit. But she wants it bad so she buys it for $7,800 (because she said she was lactating and a sip was worth $100 so I took her up on it on both nipples—she was full of shit and it tasted like rancid gypsy semen but so was her handbag so I considered it a draw). But was this wrong? When you’re a rich bitch it’s hard to tell."
  • Anonymous asks, "I got in town on Friday to visit my mom for Valentine’s Day and got to jerking off after bedtime, but I did it in a sock to be conscientious. It was dark and late which is probably why a mistake happened. When I visit I sleep in my mom’s room and she sleeps in my dead brother’s old room because my cousin Sammy lives in my old room and I can’t sleep in my dead brother’s room because my mom maintained it for the last 11 years since the peanut allergy got him. It’s just creepy and I don’t like it. So I guess I must’ve jerked it all into one of her socks by accident because she was wearing it all crusty en la mañana. Hoo boy. I didn’t say anything and she got a foot rash so now I know my mom is allergic to her only living son’s semen. It’s a weird feeling to know that (if you’re wondering). She still has it but probably won’t by the time you answer my question. Unless you tell me not to I’m definitely deciding to puss out and not tell her the truth. It’s just that I dated a girl who’d get hives when I gave her facials and stuff (with my dick I mean, not like at a salon or nothing) and we found this really great homeopathic remedy on a witchazel enthusiast’s blog that would clear it up in an hour or two. I know I could lie about it and say she sandpapered herself in her sleep but this might just be a semen allergy treatment and not for other stuff like my brother had and what if she figures it out? That’s far fetched for a normal family but my mom’s a nurse and she fucked up and let my brother eat a peanut so believe you me she knows her allergy treatments like Jesus knows a splinter. She will catch me if I lie because of that and also because I suck at it. I’m pussing out for now but if you got some more options I’m open."
  • Beethoven (22/SM) asks, "Hi guys, Beethoven here. Yes, that is my real name. My father is a composer and is never wrong. I'm 22 and straight and have a dilemma with my girlfriend of eight months. I think she may be trying to grow a clone of me. I know I sound crazy but I caught scraping DNA off my toothbrush when I had gingivitis last summer. I thought it was a cleaning thing and it warmed my heart, but later I saw some other stuff that I didn't trust so well. She keeps hairs. I saw her pick not one but two used condoms out of the trash. I followed her when she BRB'd during an Amazon Prime and chill sesh. I assumed she was going to the bathroom but it really did make an ass out of both you and me if you is her and not you guys because obviously you weren’t there. It’s just the saying, I’m sure you’ve heard it before. The thing I don’t understand is what the D is for? With ass, u, and me you can spell assume but what’s the D for? I always wondered that. Anyway I saw her put it in a jar. It’s all going in the same jar and it says Beethoven’s 2nd on it (which I actually thought was clever so it added some levity to an otherwise troubling matter). So my mind went right to clone and I couldn’t handle the pressure so I went back to the TV and lost myself in season two of Transparent, which is just so original and clever like nothing I’ve ever seen, and I think she knew something was up because I pressed play without her and I never do that. We watch TV in sync, always. Now I know cloning isn’t real and so she won’t actually clone me but I think she might be trying. Science has said a lot of things to a lot of people about what we can do and I know much of these modern ideas are a load of bunk, but I have had nightmares since of past and future lives. I’m beside myself. This is the girl I want to marry someday, but this really gives me pause. What on Earth is she doing if not trying to clone me? She’s not even refrigerating the jar!"
  • Clementine asks, "What’s hotter than global warming? Global warming PORN! Okay, I know what you’re thinking: why? Well, porn has changed the world. Back when I was a kid, people jizzed in between pieces of glossy paper but now it just gets stuck in a keyboard. But with every release, the penis learns something about its interests. We’ve shaped standards of beauty by accident through porn. What if we could shape social change like in a real good way? What if instead of people we fucked the environment? Not for reals, but one stud’s a climate change denier and his gonna make Groot his bitch. It doesn’t have to be gay neither but now you can visualize what I’m selling. We get the men to think it’s hot to fuck the environment the only thing they’re gonna litter it with is their hot sticky cum. So get your camera, go outside, dig a hole in the dirty and fuck it. Then upload that to RedTube and let’s change the world with love!"
  • Sir Gawain (24/SM) asks, "Here’s a hazard of foot fetishry my wildest dreams could not have fashioned. Dear humans, I was suckling at m’lady’s tootsies and in all the passionate I could not feel the pain. It might as well have been pleasure for all I knew, because as I nibbled on her fat wanker of a thumb trotter bit I toothed a hangnail. It ricocheted around my soft pallete before careening towards my epiglottis. When I closed my mouth I felt the piercing incision of her nail flesh in my delicate tongue. I exclaimed to m’lady how a subtle knife has entered the maw of her lover and, in so doing, swallowed the hangnail. I might as well have swallowed a Turkish Hen covered in thousands of microscopic feline phalluses for I couldn’t call you with this grave warning. No, for I shan’t speak again for a weak. This admirer of the leg paw, enthusiast of the heel’s bloom, can only use his computer to offer a cautionary tale. Should you love an encounter with an ankle’s flower, let it be known: nail clippings are best removed prior to the feast. Now, I await the dawn of the new week so I can listen to your voices with envy and veneration. I leave you with this thematic poetry. "Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me." He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you Never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you so I could suckle your tootsies.” (PS, btw, 24, straight, only one testicle, and hailing from Brooklyn yo!)"

Special Segment: Somebody farts...but can you guess who it was?

Final Thoughts: What color is alien cum? Green? What color is lizard cum, then, genius?