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The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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Twinkies in the Wind

151: Twinkies in the Wind

February 7, 2017 at 8:00PM • 1 hour 36 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about annoying friends, basement buddies, and ethical uses for date rape drugs. Questions/comments/stories/whatevers? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit for more options!

Special Guest: Nico de Gallo>

Adam & Eve! They still like us! If you like us and want to support the show, go buy something from them! We're customers, too, and intend to use our discount code, HUMAN, with our next purchase. Do the same and everybody wins. :)

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Nico takes a girl home and scares her away.

This Week's Questions:

  • Anonymous asks, "You can shellac the potato to preserve it. ????????"
  • Gale (22/GF) asks, "Hey y'all, I am writing you about the most annoying boy I've ever met in my whole life, and it's not that long I'm 22 but bitch I know my words. Let's get this outta the way, I'm Gale like the goddam wind, I'm a woman, and I loooove pussy. There's this dude I know from college who also just happened to go get the same job at the Twinkie factory. No I don't mean some gay brothel, I mean the real fuckin Twinkie factory where they make the damn Twinkies. We in Kansas, bitch! We both got our degrees in maintenance engineering and he got this job and then was like, they got a job open you want it? So I was like duh and now it's like I owe him. He thinks we're friends like how you can tell your friends shit that don't matter and they're all like cool yeah sure I care but they don't. Friends are cool with you being all boring and whatnot so you listen to their boring shit. And y'all have fun but you gotta pay your dues. So now I gotta listen to this boring bitch run his mouth all damn day. I think he wants some of this too. I tell him I love pussy but he's just like mhmm and it just floats right out of his ear like he got an express tube for lesbians that goes right through his damn brain. You say lesbians and it's like woosh! Where'd that shit go? Went out the express tube, that's where it fuckin went. Maybe he wants this pussy may he don't but he's goddam boring as shit. It's like this y'all. It's like 4 in the afternoon and he's all hungry. I thought it was some old people wannabe bullshit but he just don't eat lunch until 4. He asks me questions always like what if we did a prezzi-swap and Bill Clinton was George Washington and George Washington was Bill Clinton, and what if the moon was a rainbow? We'd be dead that's what you dumb fuck. Gawd I wanna pull hair. What if toenails could be made into cheese? They can bitch you go eat that shit and tell me about it. If your child turned into a peanut would you still love it? I ain't got kids! But I love peanuts so yeah. I gotta think about this shit all goddam day! He keeps it coming like piss in a canoe. You don't want it, you don't ask for it, but somebody gotta piss and so they do it and you get used to it cause you gotta, but you know there's piss in there. We live in a canoe on a big fuckin lake and he thinks it's a goddamn toilet. Yeah whatever. I just wanted to complain to y'all but if you got any ideas for murder you lemme know. Love, Gale"
  • Kenny (18/SM) asks, "Me and my best bud want to be basement buds in like we want to move out of our apartments and rent a big basement together underground. They got lofts and we just want some underground loft action to make up a kickass hangout. Our buds are all calling it our bro hole and making gay jokes about us but they will come around to it. Plus Danny is bi so what's that about? I got up on craigslist and hot pads and we're in Detroit by tw but I don't see basement apartments. They don't have windows enough, or they have them attached to other floors. We don't want other floors, just the basement. There aren't city bunkers but that'd be cool. I gotta say I like bro bunker better than bro hole but it is a lot more words. We think we gotta get a realtor for this. I can't find shit online. Everyone says especially Danny that they're gonna laugh at us because you can't rent a basement because of the no windows thinga, so what should I say to the realtor about it? Like hey we want to rent a basement but that's all not normal so can you help us? Like what do we gotta say to make it all normal for them? We just wanna be basement buds!!"
  • Anonymous (24/SF) asks, "Hola Awkward Humans! I'm a 24 year old straight female and a long time listener of your show. For that reason, when I stumbled upon a problem, ya'll were the first people I thought to turn to. Since Erica hates long monologues, I'll try to make this brief, while maintaining the integrity of what happened. So here it goes. About three years ago I was really hot and heavy with this guy. We loved each other. He told me he wanted to marry me, and even though he was "saving himself for marriage" he lost his virginity to me. (He is a few years older than me, so he was probably a 24 year old virgin). He had had a strict catholic upbringing, and had only been in catholic school and was struggling with questions he had about his faith and who he was in general. I was only 21 at the time, and didn't quite know what that meant so I let it ride. Long story short, things started going down hill. He started crying after we had sex and saying it "it felt wrong" and saying he didn't know who he was. Later, he took a study abroad trip and basically didn't call the whole time and he was gone for a month. When he came back and I asked him about his behavior, he broke down and said he was a terrible person, hated himself, and "didn't know what he liked." When dumb lil ole' me put all the pieces together, I finally asked him if he thought he was gay, and he basically said he was confused. I told him I would be supportive of him, and we broke up. We didn't talk for a long time, but he texted me now and then saying he was thinking about me and what not. Knowing he was confused, I didn't pay this stuff much attention. Later though, I found out that he pretty much immediately (like a week later immediately) started seeing a girl he had met on his study abroad which I took as him covering up for his insecurity with being gay, and forgot about it for these last three years. Flash forward to now, and while scrolling through the instagram explore page, I notice a picture of a familiar face and click on it, and it's his wedding photo! He married the girl from the trip!! Although I am in a happy relationship, I am just wondering if ya'll had insight as to what is going on here. Is he gay? Is she beard #2? I understand sexuality occurs more along a spectrum and all of that, but with someone as repressed as he was, I'm not sure he's open to thinking of it that way. I know none of this is really my business and doesn't change anything in the end, but I'd like to think that he had told me the truth and didn't just make up a lame excuse like being fake gay just to get away from me. I'm not that clingy, I would've gone away with a lot less. Still, we were together for almost two years, and I considered him a good part of my life, and hate to think my happy memories now have a filter of weird lies. Like, why even make things up like that? Why not just be true to yourself? Multiple people asked me if we broke up afterwards because he was gay, which makes me think people see something I didn't. Please help me sift through the bullshit. Thanks:)"
  • Delilah's Burning Bush asks, "Yo Humans, you got me thinking with all the rape and drug stuff you got going on here lately. Riddle me this. Can you do roofies or like chloroform with morals and or ethics? I mean that if you don't drug somebody up with it to rape em and shit is there other stuff you can do that's not bad and or illegal? I'm not thinking about doing it or nothing but you got me wondering about it. Like why'd these drugs happen if they're so rapey?"

Special Segment: New research teaches us more about sex and conjoined twins!

Final Thoughts: Are these thoughts ever, truly, final? We have a new one this week, so we've kept thinking. But each week it's like it's the last thought that's ever going to happen, but it's just the final thought of this episode. The episode is infinite until we cap it off with this thought, but then the infinite continues on into a new data set that is the subsequent episode. So what is a final thought? Can it be final? Can it be infinite? Is the only difference the label we put on it? Go fuck your mind with that dilemma, and we'll see you next week!

Related Links:

  • Finally, An Answer About “Abby & Brittany”‘s Sex Life!: “Based on what we know about the significant variability of one conjoined twin to feel a body part (e.g., an arm) that putatively ‘belongs’ to the other twin, it’s hard to guess how any conjoinment will turn out in practice. Nerves, muscles, hormones, and psychology all probably factor in to who feels what … Whether or not both are ‘having sex’ with the third person in the equation depends on how you think about ‘having sex’ … From my studies, I would postulate that conjoined twins probably end up having less sex than average people, and that is not only because sex partners are harder to find when you’re conjoined. Conjoined twins simply may not need sex-romance partners as much as the rest of us do. Throughout time and space, they have described their condition as something like being attached to a soul mate. They may just not desperately need a third, just as most of us with a second to whom we are very attached don’t need a third — even when the sex gets old.”