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The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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146: Bernice the Rice Princess Rides the Struggle Bus

January 3, 2017 at 12:00AM • 1 hour 36 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about awkward texts, efficient vagina lubrication, and the rice princess. Questions/comments/stories/whatevers? Visit or call/text 509-AWKWARD!

Special Guests: Fran and Rice to Riches!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Richard gets caught running an errand while on the clock at work, sort of.

This Week's Questions:

  • Lucas asks, "Aloha awkward folks. I wanted to write in and share an awkward first date that involves a "coworker" of mine. We met on an app and after a month of back and forth texting, decided to grab dinner and see what came of it. I picked a small Italian restaurant that is usually quiet, but also has good food. So as we are finishing the main portion of dinner, dessert is next and the waitress, I assume it was a female but could have been a really effeminate Asian guy, who had been awkward around us all night, out of no where asks how we knew one another, "are you coworkers or something..." my date stumbled over an answer and I just replied "aloha coworker!" Now a few dates in, we just call each other coworker. Hope Darren is happy. And thanks for letting me share an awkward Moment! Lucas from Houston"
  • Anonymous asks, "What are awkward things that people usually text?"
  • Sam (17/SF) asks, "Aloha! I am soo excited to write you finally! I am Sam! Like the retarded movie guy but a 17 yr girl that's into boys like normal so I was like I'm totally gonna have awkward stories all the time. Not really tho! College apps are making me way too busy so nothing happens to me but essays and then what do I write about? I'm so boring. Whatever anyway my little sister (10, name's Bernice) has a rice obsession so she always wants rice, even brown. She loves playing with sticky rice and eating. She'll like laugh at it and suck it off her fingers making this wet rice gunky goo all on her skin and it's soo gross. She does rice pudding, rice cakes, wild rice cakes (like actual cake unlike rice cakes) because it doesn't matter because it's rice. She calls herself the rice princess and did so at her school that has Asian kids and this didn't go over so well. Like my parents don't care and think it's stupid so whatever so Bernice is saying it still. We have one of those schools that has all the grades in the one group of buildings or campus I think and so you grow up in one building and then go to the next for middle school and then high school and then that's it. So I'm in the high school building doing high school and Bernice is in the grade school building doing grade school, but she sorta knows my teachers and her teachers totally know me because I was in their classes once a loong time ago. Her homeroom teacher Ms. Taylor asked me to help talk to Bernice about her behavior so I said okay but I don't know what to say to her because she's not saying anything bad on purpose. She loves rice! It's just rice not Asian racist rice. Ms. Taylor teaches sciences so she said she could be the Beta-Carotene Princess instead because golden rice is full of Beta-Carotene and golden rice is Bernice's favorite or one of them (she likes forbidden rice and also Jasmine rice because she thinks it's from Aladdin and we are a Disney family all the way). I think Bernice is gonna say that's stupid because it's nerdy so I don't know. I'm like in this really uncomfortable place right now! You know what I mean? Because I gotta tell Ms. Taylor her idea is stupid and nerdy but in a nice way and I gotta get my sister to come up with a better name that's not gonna make Asians unhappy but why is this my job? I just want to go to college and keep my GPA up there so I don't get un-accepted (if I get accepted at all holy shit I'm so nervous!!!). So yeah if you got some advice please tell me what to do because I don't know!"
  • Umar (20/SM) asks, "What makes a girl wet really fast? I don't wanna be lazy or nothing but I just think I could be THAT GUY if you know what I mean. I wanna get a reputation for pleasing women so I can get dates easier. What gets the vagina sloppy wet real quick you guys??"

Special Segment: Rice to Riches helps us solve an unusual problem!

Final Thoughts: What would it take for a waffle to truly satisfy you? Think on it.