The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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145: Protein Pants

December 27, 2016 at 2:30AM • 1 hour 27 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about huffing farts, the war on drugs, and protein pants. Questions/comments/stories/whatevers? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit for more options.

Special guests: Lindsay and John (IUD girl and guy)!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: The cops break up a quiet 30-something wine party and a cat takes John and Lindsay hostage.

This Week's Questions:

  • Harry (25/SM) asks, "Aloha coworkers, this is Harry Potter. Not really obviously but can you know that with absolute certainty? No. Joking (not joking) aside, I cum in my pants all the time and I don't know what to do. Yes, I have tried wearing condoms. Yes, I bought the special rubber underwear. Yes, my cum amount is small enough that the world does not see the jizz in my pants most of the time. No, I am not going to just accept my fate. Although it might not be sticky, warm, and unwelcome for YOU it is for ME. Two or three times every day and I want the promise of dry again. Condoms slip away and stimulate my johnson if they are too tight. I am a bundle of nerves and they all live in my ultra-sensitive johnson even though I am circumcised. Can I be desensitized? No, I do not think so. Can I catch the cum in a better way? That is why I have written to you, coworkers of the world. Impart your worldly knowledge to humble Harry so he can reduce the protein content of his pants."
  • Amy (24/SF) asks, "Soooo wellllll I snooped. Sorry guys! It was on accident tho. This is Amy btw. 24 and straight and a dumb party blonde. Dumb like rocks. UgGHHHGGH!!! I just am SOOOOO mad at me for the snoop!! I get obsessed like with anything. My BF goes out to get the mail and he gets a text on his phone which gets hidden normally except his google was on so it showed up in his email on the computer. I looked in it because it showed this preview and it looked like he was chatting up some girl with flirty things but I look at the messages and it's all fucking weird. Like baby goo goo gaga speaking but with weird things. Like 'I wanna polish your turd into a diamond' and 'you only get roast beef for two weeks you bad girl.' There is like literally no conversation parts. It's just these weird messages. So then I had ummmmmmmmm some non-accidentally SNOOPING. :| I had 20 secs I think to read those bizarro messages on his google so I waited and waited to log on that thing agaaaaain and he's doing this with other girls. Some guy too I think but is Ariel a boy's name with an E or an A? It's like maybe a club he in but I don't know. AHHHHH!!! What is happening?? Do you KNOW?!"
  • Anonymous asks, "Is there a beach on Titan? Hey. Did the communists start the drug war, or was is those blasted Islams? Adam's answer: 'There are confirmed lakes on Titan and a shoreline accompanies one shaped like a footprint. This is often referred to as a beach in the media. As for the war on drugs, its origins are a bit of a mess. Richard Nixon is most commonly misattributed as the figurehead representing the birth of the war on drugs, however he had relatively progressive drug policies and, while he did make marijuana a schedule I substance he attempted to decriminalize it later on (which a handful of states actually accomplished). Reagan escalated the war on drugs significantly, boosting incarcerations. The current legal approach to recreational drug use stems more from his administration than Nixon's, though many other presidents—regardless of their campaigns stating the opposite (e.g. Bill Clinton)—have maintained the war on drugs. You can't really attribute a single person to starting it, though. Attacks on drugs were generally a way of making political gains, such as banning opium to combat Chinese immigrants or marijuana to do the same for Méxican immigrants. (Clearly, it wasn't successful in either case.) The war on drugs has never had much to do with drugs. It's just been a means of attempting to control certain segments of the American population, and its best to look at specific actions within the "war" rather than look to blame someone for its origins.'"
  • Dakota (24/BM) asks, "Hey AH, I love the show and just finished listening to Awkward Human from start to the present. I either talk about or make my friends listen to the episode on fisting. I am really curious on how Janet is doing, but am more on the side of that story being more of a joke from some lonely cat lady writing a very compelling short story. Anyway, I am writing to ask you you if you have gotten any blow job noises that you've been waiting for. Hope all is well, Dakota P.s. Not that it matters but I'm a 24 year old bi male, married in a relationship of 11 years, and a father of 2."
  • Anonymous (32/SM) asks, "Voicemail about huffing farts (Listen)."

Special Segment: I need a break from special this week...

Final Thoughts: Mmm...corn.