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The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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142: Love Farts (with Cards Against Humanity)

December 12, 2016 at 11:30AM • 1 hour 22 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about love farts, apitherapy, and fat homosexuals. Special guests: Creators/writers of Cards Against Humanity Max Temkin, Jo Feldman, and Julia Weiss.

Call/text questions/comments/stories to 509-AWKWARD or visit!

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Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Dumbest CAH pitches

This Week's Questions:

  • Matt (GM) asks, "Aloha, friends. I'm a gay male, but I don't think that matters. I don't think I can live in a world with Trump as my president. I don't have the money to get out of the U.S. either. I've stopped taking this stupid medicine that keeps me alive (not AIDS). I probably can't afford it once Obamacare gets repealed anyway. I should be dead well before his inauguration, at least. He'll never be my president. I really loved your show (Awkward and Supercharged) and you guys got me through a lot. But not this. I don't know how anyone gets over this. Thank you for keeping my spirits up for all this time. Aloha and goodbye, co-workers of the world. I understand if you don't want to publicize this because of the whole suicide begets suicide thing. I just wanted you guys to know how great you are and how much of a difference you made in my life. As much as you joke about it, never stop podcasting. Your fans will always love you."
  • Anonymous asks, "This question probably isn't Supercharged material. Maybe not even Awkward material. But the discussion in the most recent episode of Supercharged got me wondering, can someone believe homesexuality is immoral and not be a bigot, homophobe, terrible person, etc. or are those two things mutually inclusive? Asking for a friend. Not really, but did consider using an anonymous email address. I'm afraid if I asked this question in my very conservative social circles I would get very one sided answers. Which is one of the reasons I like to listen to Supecharged is it helps me get out of the echo chamber of my social media circle. Thanks, and I'm glad to see Supercharged is back, you had me worried when you missed the week after the election. "
  • Kerry (36/SF) asks, "Aloha Awkward, I went on seeing this new guy I like (Bry) who is all great but has a very large sexual desire. This is nice to feel wanted like this but I have fibromyalgia and this makes for a lot of problems. Do you know what fibromyalgia is? If not, it is not very understood by people and doctors alike so you are not alone. However it is like having pain all over your body in both your bones and muscles, and also you're sore and sensitive and out of energy a lot. Bry knows about my fibro but he doesn't know what I do for the treatment because I'm embarrassed about it. My treatment is called apitherapy which means I have a very special diet (he knows about my diet because he has to) and that I get treated with bee venom. That bee venom is injected most of the times but I respond better to acupuncture apitherapy which means I get stung by a lot of bees at a clinic. With this I come home with many welts as you might think. It looks strange and it is sore feeling for sure. He hasn't seen this part of it yet but I also get sore and nauseous from the injections a little. I don't like to have sex with him afterwards for several hours because it will hurt and I don't want to vomit during sexual activities because many people don't like that and it makes me feel too vulnerable. It also means I have to clean up so it's all-around not good if it happens. Right now Bry thinks it is just fibro making me not want to have sex with him sometimes but it is the apitherapy and my nerves. Do you know what I can do to make this better? I have to have the injections around times when he wants to have sex. We would have to leave work to have sex at lunch and we have different lunch times so that would be hard for more than one reason, the other reason being that I work four miles from his work and only have a bicycle. He has a car that we share sometimes so he could drive to me but my lunch starts 45 minutes before his lunch so the timing is harder if I don't leave to go to him. Then there is the having sex in a car or somewhere not comfortable problem. Fibro makes that harder sometimes. I don't feel good contorted if you know what I mean. Do you have suggestions about what I can do? Please let me know at your earliest convenience. Sincerely, Kerry"
  • Harambe asks, "What's it like being a fat-ass faggot? Do you still get to fuck ass or get your ass fucked or does nobody want you?"
  • Rainbow Randolph (24/GM) asks, "Aloha Darren, Adam, Erica, and Richard! My dilemma is simple. If you please, I will summarize as it goes like this:
    1. My boyfriend fucks me and cums in my butt.
    2. Most of the cum makes it out of my butt through a process I call taking a cum shit, but a cum shit only gets rid of most of the cum. Some cum will be left behind. It's not a child and never will be, so it's A-OK.
    3. Later I eat some pinto beans or have a coffee. I sit with my boyfriend. A fart overcomes me. We're in love, so we have open farting privileges as the Gods of Romance bestow upon the worthy. I let the fart out gently, like a subtle bird call. It's all sweet and natural.
    4. Boyfriend smells the fart and is like "that's nasty" so I'm like "that's your cum so you're nasty."
    Tale as old as time, I know. Who's right? I clean my butt like a damn queen. It smells like NO THING. If I fart and it smells after he fucks me, it's his cum so that's like saying he wants me to swallow his cum but won't swallow mine. If he's fucking my ass and cumming in it, I'm having cum farts. That's the cost of doing business, sweetheart! Settle the battle for us, my dears. Am I entitled to my love farts?"

Special Stuff: Cards Against Humanity!

Final Thoughts: Did Zeus have thunder thighs?