The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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130: Santa School

September 9, 2016 at 3:45AM • 1 hour 36 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about European romance, gay boyfriends, drunk tirades, and intimate piercings. Questions/comments/stories? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit!

Go check out the amazing Good News Bad News podcast!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Does Rachel have a thing for the gays?

This Week's Questions:

  • Brittney (27/SF) asks, "Voicemail, listen here."
  • Tristan (22/SM) asks, "Hey guys, This is Tristan, 22 year old, straight, white male. Just here to help give some personal advice to some of those men out there asking about dating advice and apps like Tinder, and specifically how to get at being laid without coming off like an asshole or creeper. I remember on one of your older episodes, I think number 70 "Bisexual Brain Vomit" where you guys took a question and gave advice to a young male on how to get laid using these sites. I consider myself a slightly above-average looking man, but definitely more considerate than most men operating in my situation. First of all, as an avid, paying-user of Tinder, all I can say with over 200+ matches that there is NO consistency to this site. I have hooked up with women that messaged me right away, saying right then and there that they wanted sex THAT night. On the other side of things, I have messaged women for over 2 weeks that seem very interested and then canceled multiple times for non-sexual encounters, like coffee or a walk during the afternoon. Pretty much, you can assure that NOT everyone on this site, regardless of its reputation does NOT just want sex. My advice if I can offer it, is to always make your Tinder profile upfront and honest don't say "I am only looking for hookups" but do say something along the lines of "I am looking to meet new people, but am not interested in any serious relationships at this time", make sure you establish RIGHT AWAY that you are NOT looking for a girlfriend or life partner, as you guys mentioned, it is REALLY important for both parties to be upfront and to not lie to the women that you are going to be their man. As I have utilized Tinder, the more I realize is that, these women are of course talking to a LOT of guys and have many options, treat them with respect and slowly transition from friendly to flirty, and if the flirtation is received well and you have talked for a couple days, ask them to go on a date. I have met about a dozen of these women in person over the last two months and I never go into any date expecting sex, I go in looking to meet a new person and do not try to make any advances until the end of the night after we have talked for a few hours and then go for a kiss when we part. Depending on how the kiss is received, (if she keeps going versus breaking off right away) it will be pretty obvious how interested she is. My main advice is that if the women wants sex, it will generally be pretty obvious, I would say about 50% of the women I have meet wanted sex within the first 2 dates and were the ones to suggest it or advance it to that place. To end on a cliche note, there are many fish in the sea, and a lot of them WANT TO FUCK, so be respectful whether they are interested in you sexually or not, be kind and a gentlemen, don't push things too much and make sure she is always comfortable, if you do this and don't waste your time on women who are NOT interested, you WILL get laid, promise!"
  • 4p4dr4vy4 (SM) asks, "A few years ago I had cancer. I had to have a testical removed and a lot of radiation. After remission, I got my nipple pierced as a reminder that I can get through any type of pain. Fast forward a year, and I am in a relationship. She liked the nipple piercing, and we ended up getting a couple intimate piercings together to symbolize our relationship (instead of a typical ring on the finger). She got a VCH and Triangle, and I got an apadravya piercing that I ended up stretching to 0 gauge over the course of a year or so. We recently broke up, and now I'm nervous about getting intimate with a new parter. What are they going to think? I only have one ball, and a pound and a half of titanium of metal in my junk. I can't remove the appy as there will be an 8mm hole that just isn't going to close. How can I gain the confidence to go the next step in any new relationships instead of avoiding the bedroom?"
  • Tristan (22/SM) asks, "Hello fellow coworkers of the World (I'm looking at you Darren), This is Tristan, 22 white male, single. ;) I've been a fanatic of the podcast for the last two weeks and I think I have listened to an ungodly amount of episodes, maybe 50? I know you guys like details so pardon the essay... Anyways, here's my awkward story. About 2 months ago I was traveling through Germany and the Czech Republic with my parents. About a month before the trip I had broken up with my girlfriend of three years, and as someone who never had a real 'single' life I was trying to experience the most of my situation. Insert Tinder in Europe. During the trip my family and I had been only staying in cities for a night or two and II had been swiping like a madman throughout the trip with no avail. I decided to set my location a few days ahead of my destination to assure I had time to talk with someone for a few days before meeting them so they were comfortable and had an idea of who I was, fast-forward after 40 fruitless connections I finally found a women that was interested in meeting up. At the time I was staying in Prague in a upscale two bed-room flat (No i'm not British but I know using 'flat' will anger Prince Darren). Anyway, one night around 10 pm the lady I was talking to decided she wanted to meet, she told me she was going to bring her friend with her, which I thought was actually a good idea since she had no idea of who I was. Anyway I invited both ladies up to my flat where we drank wine on the terrace for an hour or two. At this point my date's friend was suggestively pushing us to sleep together, she kept asking my date 'so are you going to stay here tonight?, because I think you really should', needless to say she was the best wingwomen ever, although I think she was rooting on my side ha. Anyway, on to the actual awkward situation, once my date had decided she wanted to 'sleep' over, her friend decided it was time to leave, however at this point she was absolutely wasted. She said she would show herself out of the flat even though I offered to walk her out. Bad Idea. In case you guys forgot, I was sharing this apartment with my parents, as my date's drunk friend tried to figure out where the door was, she accidentally opened up my parent's room, followed by a short scream from my shocked mother, the friend quickly shut the door, came back up and asked for help to find the way out. I quickly showed her the way and then returned to my date, as her and I decided to go to the bedroom, we walked down from the terrace to find my mom glaring at us from her open bedroom door with the most intense hatred I have ever seen, opps sorry mom. Luckily my date decided to stay anyways and we had a great time, she refused to leave until 11 am when my parents had left the apartment out of embarrassment from the previous night. The next day my mom gave me a scolding but in the end it was a great night and one I will never forget. P.S. I recently followed all of you on Instagram and saw your faces for the first-time. Got to say, Adam definitely takes the cake for most attractive person on the podcast, followed by Rocco. Also for some reason Erika looks nothing like I imagined, I thought she would definitely be a brunette, I also thought Darren would be blonde, oh well! I attached a picture from the morning after that night since Darren demands photographic evidence. Also, Adam give me a job writing for you guys please, okay thanks. Aloha, Tristan"
  • Anonymous (SM) asks, "When drunk, my GF tells me she is only using me and doesn't give a shit about me, she says she is planning on cheating on me, and many more horrible things such as calling me worthless garbage and to get out of her life. She never says the above things when she is free of alcohol and sober. Then the next day when she is sober she says she didn't mean any of it, and acts sorry and surprised as if she wasn't even aware she said or did any of it. Are her drunk words her true thoughts or not?"

Special Segment: Interview with Susen Mesco, founder and director of the Professional Santa Claus School and president of American Events and Promotions

Final Thoughts: Erica shares her review of the THINX underwear