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The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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126: Erica's Sass

August 9, 2016 at 1:00AM • 1 hour 29 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about a monstrous mentorship, Jehova's depressed former witness, and a textless boyfriend. Questions/comments/stories? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit!

Special guest: Nikki Boyer!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Erica queefs out a tampon at Zumba. Virgin guest Nikki Boyer slept with an identical twin and got confused the next morning.

This Week's Questions:

  • Fed Up Francesca (20/SF) asks, "Hello Lovely Awkward Humans! I am a 20 year old straight female, and I have been dealing with a tough situation for a while. Sorry in advance for the length of this. This spring I entered a friendship/mentorship relationship with a freshman girl. After having dealt with a lot my freshman year I felt like I had gained a lot to offer advice wise and was excited to do it. We were assigned very quickly so I had only talked to the girl who was assigned to me once. At first I thought everything was great and we got along really well. We'd see each other a couple times a week and have talks and get ready before events every once in a while. However, after about a week or two, she started to tell me some very unsettling things. The first thing that probably tipped me off that things would not go as smoothly was that she told me she is a self-described drama queen. Not only did I find out about a lot of family issues, I found out about a lot of insecurities, anxiety and self harm issues that led to a lot of breakdowns. And this wasn't something she held back, she would dump her problems on a lot of people she didn't know very well. While I tried to be there for her for about a month, it's hard to focus on schoolwork and an internship while also being pulled into a mothering/therapist role which I was not prepared for nor felt like I should have been pulled into. I had to report her to the confidential school portal to make sure she got the help she needed as I had to keep being the one to be there for nights when she'd say "if you're not here I'm going to do something to myself." On top of dealing with a lot of her problems she just became a little too attached. For example, one weekend I had to write a paper and she asked me to hang out or to stop by my room 7 separate times despite me telling her in advance that I was busy with my paper and then again each time she asked. This kind of behavior kept happening and made me feel like she'd just show up sometimes and it made me nervous. So being overwhelmed by this, I texted once and tried to ask her to back off in the nicest way possible, I even said maybe she should start a blog instead of texting me sometimes. However, she didn't listen and kept pushing me until I eventually talked to a counselor who told me its toxic and I need to take care of me before her. So I texted her to ask for a break (saying I just needed to take a breather and focus on finals) and she responded by saying that I was hurting her deeply and that she thought I should put her before myself because she needs it. This really bothered me because I was mentally like, who the fuck are you to tell me to put myself second. After her initial sad reaction, she started throwing around some bullshit about how I never cared about her as a person and was a shitty person and never there for her. I responded to all of her shit with texts back saying I hear her and I care, I just need to help myself first and get my own shit together before I can be there for her. I was only as nice as I was because I was afraid that if I didn't keep my side friendly that she would do something to herself. The next couple weeks she was still bothering me and started convincing people to tell me to talk to her and that I'm being a shitty person for not being there for her. This just made me more mad and I refused to talk to her and texted her ONE LAST TIME to tell her to stop contacting me and stop trying to convince people to tell me what to do because I need space to breathe. Essentially long story short, she was offended enough and finally stopped talking to me and trying to talk to me. She texted me about a month later and told me she went to the board that assigned us and asked to be disassociated with me because of my "emotional abuse" and that I did nothing but hurt her and put her down and that she didn't need that in her life. SO: my question is, it was easy to avoid her over the summer, but we're technically still connected through the program, and we are doing the same event in a month. What should I do? I don't really want to be friends with her but I think if I tried to be friendly she would start drama. Thanks, Fed Up Francesca P.S. I would love if this even made it to the podcast if Erica could read this because I just love the sass she brings to the things she reads."
  • Malaria Mudslide asks, "Okay so I'm a bisexual, 19 year old female. I want to start off by saying I LOVE my boyfriend, he's my best friend. He loves to cuddle me a lot. But he is extremely hard to get ahold of. I know this seems petty, but this is the age of communication and him not being available EVER is kind of becoming a problem. I've talked to him about it and nothing changes. How can I get him to understand how important it is for him to text me back?"
  • Anonymous (35/GM) asks, "Hi guys, I'm a 35 year old gay man. I've been in a relationship for about four years with a guy who I love very much. He was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness and even though his whole family, including him, have now left the religion, there is a lot of residual shit that affects his everyday life. The intense repression and strict rules of being a Witness have left him with anxiety and depression for which he takes daily medication. The Jehovah's Witness' attitude towards homosexuality also means that he has deep seated issues with being gay, even though he's been in relationships before ours and most of his friends are gay. He finds PDAs difficult and most importantly he uses alcohol to escape the feelings of guilt and pain he feels. He doesn't drink at all during the week, but on the weekend he binge drinks to excess, and I find that really difficult. I work really hard during the week and look forward to spending time with him at the weekend, but then he's either drunk or hungover for the whole weekend. Now, don't get me wrong, I also like a drink, but I know my limits and quite often I stop drinking because I know that there's stuff I want to do with him the next day and don't want to be hungover. I kind of want to build a future with him, but I feel that he's stuck in a kind of early 20s binge drinking lifestyle that means he can't move on. He doesn't know when to stop and he's doing it because he wants to escape his mind. He's socially awkward and finds drinking helpful to negotiate that (which we all do to a certain degree). But then he never knows when to stop. He also overeats, both to recover from drinking at the weekend, and because comfort eating when he's not drinking makes him feel better. The result of all this are that he's put on weight and that our sex life is shit. I love him however much weight he puts on (I find him really sexually attractive), but he hates his body and so he never wants to have sex because he hates himself naked. I've tried suggesting having sex in the dark, under the covers etc etc, but it's about how he feels while having sex that means he doesn't want to do it. He's brought this up a couple of times and suggested i should sleep with other people, but I brushed it aside. However, the truth is that I have slept with a few other people. Only ever one night stands and entirely emotional empty, but still. And I've done this because we hardly ever have sex and so I've started to become attracted to other people. He doesn't know about this. So my question is, what should I do? I want to help him reduce/stop drinking, feel better about himself and address some of his issues, but I don't know how to do this because he either says 'I know, I know' or blocks me. His religious upbringing is like a huge albatross and I can only begin to understand how difficult it is for him to deal with that shit - I've done a bit of reading about Jehovah's Witnesses and feel like i've only scratched the surface of how repressive and homophobic they are. I love him so much and want to stay with them, but his shit is beginning to affect our relationship. If you decide to talk about his question, please don't read my name out on air. Love the podcast. It's the highlight of my week."
  • Imogen (23/BF) asks, "Aloha Awkward Human Survival Guide Podcast! Long time listener, first time asker. I'm a cis, 23 year old bisexual female from Australia experiencing a severe ethical dilemma. I'm in my first real life job, working as a web designer / assistant. Recently I asked for a raise and my boss said we'd discuss in a few weeks. I'm a timid baby sheep and I don't know how much to ask for or what to say to get the raise I want. Thing is, I have a co-worker's password . I might be able to access their weekly pay, to help me consider how much to ask for. Is this a horrible thing to do? Should I just power house through the raise review and forget about checking other people's salary? Pls help I am so overwhelmed. P.S. big fan of this wacky podcast, you are all very fun. Thank. :) Also what is Erica's star sign I haven't been able to figure it out?"
  • Alexa (28/PF) asks, "I love your podcast and nothing fucked up happened to me to ask for advice until now. I am a 28 y.o. pansexual female and I met this girl on tinder, we matched up twice and the second time she texted whether we are gonna be matched up and not talk again, and I went through her pictures again and decided that we should talk and meet, we texted for a week almost 24/7 (she was away on vacation) then we finally met up and it was the first time in my life that I felt so in love after seeing her and could tell she was the same way, it was adorable and awkward and we texted everyday like really 24/7 and would meet up 3 times a week or so (we have completely different schedules so when I work she has days off and vice versa) then we started getting into arguments but only via text, like she is butchy and one day we were deciding what we should eat and I said that there is a falafel place and a hot dog one, she said that she doesn't like hot dogs and I told her that yeah I could tell, we laughed then next day she was mocking my music taste but in a cute way over text and i said that well to each their own, you don't even like ????, and she got mad at me and I had to apologize a lot and then she didn't speak to me for almost 2 days saying she needs time etc, so fights like that where I would apologize for saying stuff on text and then she would mention her ex which she said was crazy and she was also from the same country as me and had same hair color, same septum piercing, same height, same age, same style and I told her to stop talking about her and comparing me so that was a mini argument and so on, but in real life we always had a lot of fun and never argued. Then she was going to a music festival and I was going to the beach with friends and she said she got into a fight with her friends and went alone, so I felt bad for her and texted her that hope she's having fun and thinking about her, and that night she texted to stop texting her when she is out with friends which hurt me because I usually never text that mich so I gave her space and texted less often and she would text "are you mad? did i do something wrong?" to which I would reply that no I'm just at work or was on the subway, and was the longest time we didn't see each other but I was supposed to get a day off which would be a day off for her as well and we planned 2 weeks in advance to spend the whole day together and have a picnic etc, and she seemed really excited, we wanted to meet at 11 and next morning at 11:30 i texted her to lmk when she wakes up and didn't hear back from her until 4:30pm when she said that she drank too much day before and she is sorry, I said okay lmk when you are ready she said okay then an hour later she sends me a huge text saying that we should stop seeing each other and that things are going too fast and I am never happy and always accusing her of things etc, and she can't make me happy etc and then after i texted her that i though that she was wonderful until now that she stood me up and ended things over text, she said that I cause her too much stress in a month and then deleted me from all social media (who even does that? plus she's 34). So sorry for the loooong text, but my question is WTF? If everything was so wonderful irl why did she end it like this, what could the motives be? I was super hurt because it was my first time I actually seriously dated a woman and was in love."

Final Thoughts: DC Comics has no business in show business. (Well, the film part of it anyway.)

Related Links:

  • The Size and Virility of Your Eggplant Is Related to Your Koi Pond?: Like all cultures, Japan loves sex. Of course, the island nation also loves fish. Naturally, these two passions have conjugated. Below is a short, but potent documentary on the koi. Is that a koi in your pond or are you happy to see me?
  • ‘Kai The Hatchet-Wielding Hitchhiker’ and the Changing Viral Video: What ever happened to viral news interviews and their Autotune counterparts? From 2010 to 2013, four characters—Antoine Dodson, “Sweet Brown,” Charles Ramsey, and of course Kai—garnered hundreds of millions of views on their respective segments. Since then, shorter attention spans and the domination of Vine and Snapchat have killed the once-great form. Kai’s story reminds me of a better time, a time when people could sit through five-minute videos.
  • A Productive Month for Dumpster Diving: In addition to our own coverage, multiple channels have opened to the United States’ ungodly amount of food waste. From salvage fare actually served in a dumpster, to rescued food still life, to Walmart’s ugly produce initiatives, it’s been a productive month.
  • Lazy Farming Method Could Actually Change the World: Have you ever wanted to start a garden but stopped in your tracks because you didn’t have a machine to do everything for you? Then you’re in luck. Welcome to the world of FarmBot.