The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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122: Taxes for 'Tutes

July 13, 2016 at 3:00AM • 1 hour 42 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about phone sex, himalyan kitties, and brotherfucking! Questions/comments/stories? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Mandy handles a creepy roommate.

This Week's Questions:

  • Janet (the Fart Rapist) asks, "Hi Erica. Shit's fuckin messed up or was but I'm alive and well. I had to leave Austin. Can't get into it now. Rebecca is over and done with, so is that shit mess. I couldn't do it to my husband anymore so we moved. It got too real. I got caught up in the drama and said fuck what the fuck am I doing? It's just a job. It's just a place. I've got to get the fuck out of here. I didn't want to look at this account since then but I thought of your show today and logged in. I'll tell the rest someday... Yours always, Janet"
  • Sarah (18/GF) asks, "I look like a straight woman but however am a lesbian. Is there a way I can make girls know by showing or telling that I am a lesbian? Like right away in the first second we meet, to get her reaction without being awkward or too obvious or weird?"
  • Lem (19/GM) asks, "I am very scared to write this email so I hope you won't judge me. I don't know where else I can write a question like this however. I am 19 and gay and so is my (fraternal) twin bro Ariel. A night when we were kids he came over to my bed and started pulling on my stick and since we've been pulling our sticks for like 10 years. We 69 sometimes but no anal. We got into Temple for college and go together and stay in a dorm together but I don't know what to do now that we are adults. I know you should not be dating your bro but I love him and he loves me back but we can't tell anybody. Now that we got to college we do stuff sometimes but I think he wants to stop. I thought he met a guy or girl (he says he's bisexual) but he says no. All he talks about is his robot in his robotics class. He built it and teaches it things. I met it one time and it's very stupid. It doesn't know how to talk or anything. It's cool though. My bro loves it and sometimes says no to hangouts with me because he wants to hang with the robot. He says the robot is getting smarter and he can make it talk. He likes the robot more than me I think. But the robot can't pull his stick I don't think so I still got that advantage. Like I don't know how to continue because he's my bro and it's wrong that we do this but it's not really. I love him and I want to have anal sex with him but where do we go from there? How do you ask your bro to do anal and decide to have a normal relationship? I think maybe we should break up. I don't know because I love him and am so confused about what is the best way to be with him but I don't know if I'm with him at all and then he loves the robot more maybe. What should I do? Please don't say I'm weird."
  • Theresa asks, "Hi I want to buy a hymalan kitty. They cost 500.00. They want a deposit of have the cost. So far she sent me pictures and her address where to pick up the kitty. The kittens won't be ready till August 4. I'm sending her a check but I don't know if that's the right thing to do. She offered pay pal and I said I'll send her a check but now I'm thinking I should go pay pal so I can be protected. I told her that but now I haven't heard back. What shall I do? She seems ok but I want to make sure.should I ask her who her vet is and do some checking up? What do you suggest so I won't get screwed?"
  • Joh (22/F) asks, "Aloha Awkward human! First of all, I'm sorry for my english, not my native language. Enjoy my Engrish! I'm a 22 years old woman who just got into a big company in the countryside a few months ago. I just been graduated and I always worked as an intern in startups. So this is kinda my first job in what I really want to do The thing is, I hate this fucking company and I want to quit. 1- During the interview job we talked about my salary, they just wanted to take me as an tech assistant the first month to get used to the company pipeline. But it's been now 4 months and I still an assistant even if I'm doing the same job as everybody else in my team. This is unfair and I heard they do that with all the newbies and they're used to lie about it. I can't wait 1 year to get the salary I already deserve, fuck it I got shit to pay : my appartement, ticket for the train to get back home every weekend to see my family, my boyfriend and to train with my (american) football team. with the food and all, I got nothing left to treat myself. 2- I'm doing a technical job, so I'm like the only girl in the fucking open space. Got a girl joke ? That's for me ! I'm not feminist at all, and I got a lot of patience, but sometimes it's really awkward and the "jokes" can really be heavy. Like, One day, I was talking with my director about food because I'm vegan and I couldn't eat the croissant he was offering to me blablabla,... And one of my motherfucking coworker pop out from nowhere to ask me if Vegan girls swallow. LIKE. REALLY ?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ? DO YOU WANT ME TO BEAT YOUR BITCHASS DAT BAD ?! The only thing I know about this coworker it's his name and the fact that he doesn't put his phone in silent mode so everybody in the openspace knows when he got a text. (it's not too annoying, he only get 2 per day max, probably his mom and his granny). 3- I HATE my coworkers. I'm working while listening to you guys on spotify or I play a random playlist, and sometimes I even got my headphones on without anything when it's quiet enough in the openspace. And sometimes I can hear my coworkers trashtalking about me or making those girl jokes openly without knowing I'm listening. Or one day, My boyfriend took some vacation and went to visit me for a week. My coworkers were curious about him and invited us to drink some beer together. My boyfriend is really shy and introvert and can be sometimes socially awkward, but I was here to make him comfortable, I got his back no matter what, we're a team, blablabla. And those fuckers made fun of him, sounded more like a trap than an invitation. When I see the first jokes coming, I know where it was going, and we just get back home before he understood. 4-My roomate... She's in depression everyfucking time and i'm like her therapist, she needs to talk to me everytime something goes wrong, she even call me at work while crying. It's too much to handle, she's a grown ass 30 something woman, why is she annoying me with her problems ? I'm only 22, I'm a baby, leave me alone ! I'd like to find another appartement, but this one is really great, not too expensive and at the downtown (so near to my work). 5- I can't stand the countryside. I found my job after a 7 months internship in LA, getting back to my country was good, and moving to the countryside of it sounded like an adventure. But I'm not into small town. Everything is closed super early, there's nothing to do, only old people lives here and the guys in the company, everybody knows everybody, hurrrr and the BUGS ! there's so much of it ! I get bite everyday and it's just annoying. I know it sounds bad when I talk about it. But despite all that I love my job, it's only what's around that annoys me. So, next week I'm gonna tell my boss I'm gonna leave. And I don't want to mention all that because this is rude and I'd like to stay golden no matter what and leave this hell with my dignity. What do you guys suggest me ? If you got no ideas I'll take the craziest one and let you know what happen. Thanks a lot for everything, I love your show <3 <3"
  • JubbJubb the Iguana asks, "I first heard of your podcast through Good News Bad News. By the way, I would love to hear Erica and/or Darren on that show. Some things first I'd like to say: 1. Darren - I have a super huge crush on you, but I know if I were a gay male or if you were a straight man you would be way out of my league (you're just too awesome and I'd bore you). 2. Erica - Please talk about Canada more. I would love to hear some awkward moments in your life living as a Canadian in the US. (I notice you've been saying "8th grade" instead of the usual Canadian saying of "Grade 8". Do you find yourself acting more American now that you are living in the US? 3. Adam and Richard - love love love love you two (and Rocco). Ok, here's my situation. Since high school I was addicted to calling chat lines and partaking in phone sex, but mostly I loved it when guys talked extremely dirty to me while I listened and I found it as a form of pornography. I would religiously call every day or night and partake in this fantasy world. Anyway, about 6 years ago my boyfriend (now husband) found out about my secret and was really hurt. He took it as a form of cheating. I felt horrible that I hurt him and stopped calling from that day on. However, I still yearn for the dirty talk. I've tried watching porn, but I can't stand the girls moaning over the guys talking, I've read some erotic stories online, but it's not the same as listening, I've asked my husband to talk dirty to me, but I he doesn't like talking dirty because he feels it's degrading to women and it's not his thing. We did try it once, but he was so uncomfortable, that it kinda killed the mood. I would like to know if there is a way to listen to dirty talk without having to interact with another person? (If Darren would like to record something for me that would be a bonus [the dirtier the better] - jk, but not really). Thank you and keep up the great job."

Special Segment: Interview with Dell, tax accountant for the ladies of the night.

Final Thoughts: Foreskin or no foreskin, your penis has a beautiful soul.